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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29088129">sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeowAkari/pseuds/MeowAkari'>MeowAkari</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Best Friends, Bokuto Koutarou &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Bokuto Koutarou &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou are Bros, Comfort, Dorks in Love, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hinata Shouyou Being an Idiot, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, Kozume Kenma &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Kozume Kenma is Bad at Feelings, KuroKen - Freeform, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Friend, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Little Shit, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Bokuto Koutarou, Panic Attacks, Running Away, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, haikyuu freeform, kenma and kuroo in love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:47:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,018</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29088129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeowAkari/pseuds/MeowAkari</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Two unfortunate souls meet in the place neither of them were supposed to be. Kenma is too tired to care, and Kuroo simply doesn't care, but all they have is each other inside these walls. And they end up realizing this more than they wanted to. The person on the bed opposite to theirs isn't what they expected.<br/>OR: Kenma and Kuroo meet at a mental hospital and run away together</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. im not melodramatic, im just pragmatic beyond any reasoning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>And they were roommates.. oh my god they were roommates</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kenma can't really remember anything from the past hour. Anything. At all. </p><p>He couldn't remember what started it at all. But what he does know, is that it did damage. Serious damage.  </p><p> </p><p>So, there ended up only really being one solution to his never ending problems.</p><p> </p><p>But there are bits. Things he can remember of what happened during the accident.</p><p> </p><p>There are blurs, little things that he can pick out. He remembers the pills, and the tiles of his bathroom. He remembers thinking playing one of his games wouldn't be as assuring. He remembers the shakiness of his hands, and the lock of the downstairs door clicking open. His mother's average 'Kenma, I'm home!' as she walked up the stairs to find him.</p><p> </p><p>But at that moment, he couldn't move. Everything was frozen, when he tried to grab the bottle of water, it fell out of his hands and onto the floor, the glass shattering and skipping across the tiles.</p><p> </p><p>The door opened behind him. That's the last thing he remembers.</p><p> </p><p>With yelling- he remembers being yelled at. She wanted an explanation that was anything else but the truth. She was so persistent in getting down to the bottom of it that she used the 'like you're Dad' line.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you lying to me? Are you lying to me just like your father, Kenma?''</p><p> </p><p>That's what made him cave in.</p><p> </p><p>Now he was in the back of her car, with a blanket wrapped around him. It was red, his favourite colour. It smelled a little, but he didn't really mind. It was warm, and his mother had the cold air blasted.</p><p> </p><p>They don't speak during the car ride. Kenma can hear her break down little by little, looks at her as she grips the steering wheel so tight her knuckles go white. She sounds like she's trying her best to hold them back.</p><p> </p><p>She told him this would help them, help her, so he agreed. She doesn't seem helped by it, though.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma focuses on the highway, counting the red cars and the blue ones and the trucks as they pass by.</p><p> </p><p>He could just.. Open up and roll out. Get it over with. And it's not like he's going to- his Mum is in the car. That would do a lot of damage on her.</p><p> </p><p>He tries to open it, just a little. A test drive.</p><p> </p><p>Child lock.</p><p> </p><p>He grunts a little, shuffling over in his seat and looking to the oncoming building they're approaching, taking a deep breath. </p><p> </p><p>She parks and smiles back at him, even though her face is stained a red-pink colour. Her eyes are even worse. She sniffles, rubbing her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Even when she's so close to asking the million dollar question that he can tell the words are just so close to slipping from her mouth, she sucks them back. "This is gonna help you, okay, hunny?" She assures, like she' s just so certain that it will.</p><p> </p><p>That's the same thing she said before, and that didn't help.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma feels like a blob as he follows her into the building like a lost puppy, crowning in on himself and nodding in the direction of the nurse only a little. She's signing him up, telling the symptoms,  and of course, nobody bothers to ask him what his symptoms are.</p><p> </p><p>"Ok, sweetheart ," He cringes at the nickname, looking in the opposite direction of the nurse. Why did adults that know you're in a vulnerable state always do that? Try to comfort him with nicknames, of all things. Be original for once.</p><p> </p><p>"We're gonna get you all set, right?" She's treating him like a baby, and even though it makes him feel a little more comfortable- he still wants to be treated like a teen , for fuck sake.</p><p> </p><p>His Mum is gone as he's taken away. Kenma looks to the floor.</p><p>Just two or so weeks of this. Just two.</p><p> </p><p>He can take it.</p><p> </p><p>____________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>The group circle was something he'd always seen in the movies, of course. But he was hoping going to a mental hospital wasn't as cheesy as the movies made it.</p><p> </p><p>Turns out, it is.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma stays silent the entire time as they go around the circle, waiting to be called on. The nurse, or psychologist, or whatever those Mental Help people are called asked for the patients to say their name, age, and why they're here today. Kenma's head snaps up as he's suggested to as 'you with the long hair', his head snapping up.</p><p> </p><p>"U-Um," He starts, and this is it. This is the dreaded part of this whole mental hospital thing he's participating in. His eyes flick around. Everyone is looking at him, everyone is judging him. Bile packs up in his throat, and he huffs. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm- I'm Kenma? And I'm here fo- here for a suicide attempt."  He crowns out the words, doubling in on himself and holding on tight to his pant legs. He wipes his sweaty hands on them, looking up, trying to zone out on a wall or anything that sort of matches one when he's making eye contact with someone.</p><p> </p><p>Normally Kenma would shy away from eye contact- it's not the most pleasurable thing to have to deal with, especially for an awkward, sweaty mess like him, but he's so out of it that he just. Blinks a few times. The boy looks around his age and.. Strangely familiar, with messy, raven coloured hair, and strong, sharp facial features. </p><p> </p><p>Copper coloured eyes, too.</p><p> </p><p>Tetsuro Kuroo.</p><p> </p><p>"You?" </p><p> </p><p>The boy with the messy hair and the pretty features and a probable crippling hate for Evan looks up to the nurse. "Tetsuro. Suicide attempt." He mutters, picking at his nails.</p><p> </p><p>The nurse is awfully chirpy for someone in a room full of suicidal teenagers, pecking around in everyone's business. Her eyes set on him.</p><p> </p><p>" Kenma ," She stretches out the 'n'  in 'Kenma' so it sounds more like 'kennnnnmaa'. She does this thing where she clasps her hands together and purses her lips into the most forced smile he's ever seen.</p><p> </p><p>"Would you like to share?"</p><p> </p><p>Everything stops.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma's eyes flick around the room over and over again, and he pushes himself deeper into the chair, taking a deep breath and huffing it out again. He kicks out his feet a little. "I'm sorry, I don't think I c- I can," He can't talk about it so soon. He doesn't want to.</p><p> </p><p>The nurse only makes a sound of agreement and nods in fake-understanding, turning to a different person.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone else in here seems so open, just talking about traumatic experiences and stuff and being so understanding. There are a few times someone tears up and. Surprisingly, nobody laughs.</p><p> </p><p>Guess they were all just mentally ill.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma realizes he can't see the time, and contemplates on what time it could be at this moment. He can't see any windows, but it's strange to him- that he might not know exactly what time it was.</p><p> </p><p>Was that a weird thing to think?</p><p> </p><p>"Alright," The nurse says, standing, "Lunch."</p><p> </p><p>Kenma groans.</p><p> </p><p>If he can barely make it through one group meeting, how will he make it through lunch?</p><p> </p><p>____________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>Kenma sits at where everyone has lunch, and surprisingly, it isn't that bad. It's quiet and soft, and people are mumbling but only kind of- it's not as bad as he expected.</p><p> </p><p>In the movies, there were always those jackets and pillow walls but this.. Wasn't too bad. He sits at one of the tables and kicks his feet. Everyone is silently drawing, or reading, or just. Sitting there. Something along those lines.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma picks at his food, and decides he isn't hungry, eyes flicking to the grainy coloured table. He's startled when the chair squeaks next to him, and he looks up to meet eyes with Tetsuro Kuroo.</p><p> </p><p>Kuroo must think he's a freak.</p><p> </p><p>He must despise him, actually.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, uh," Kuroo starts, clearing his throat, "Kenma Kozume, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Kenma tightens up, furrows his eyebrows. Obviously Kuroo knows who he is, (or maybe he's just that forgettable), so why is he asking? </p><p> </p><p>Kenma makes a little nodding motion, and looks up to Kuroo and actually holds eye contact this time.</p><p> </p><p>"'We're like. Roommates, or some shit."</p><p> </p><p>Roommates?</p><p> </p><p>Fuck, Kenma had forgotten about that. He really had. Having a roommate in a mental health hospital seemed fucking terrifying , A mentally ill person in a room with another mentally ill person. Sounds deadly. And dangerous.</p><p> </p><p>But Kuroo wasn't completely nuts, just. Obviously going through something. Since he was in the same section of Kenma, he could guess what he was here for.</p><p> </p><p>He thinks about it for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>The realization hits him like a truck, and he gulps.</p><p> </p><p>Did Kuroo attempt on the same day Kenma did?</p><p> </p><p>"It's- It's fine. I don't think you're  insane or- or anything, if that's what you're worrying about." Kenma assures, because he knows the kids a bit off the handle, but he doesn't seem insane. He would probably be in a completely different place if that was the case.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh." Kuroo says flatly, and he sounds a little confused, tilts his head to the side like he's questioning him. "I'll get out of your shit now-" </p><p> </p><p>Kenma doesn't know what he was thinking. At all. But it just slips out before he can stop it, and he doesn't know if he regrets it or not when Kuroo pauses, sets down his tray, and starts eating.</p><p> </p><p>Kenma does the same.</p><p> </p><p>They don't talk the entire time. Kenma thinks about how the first time someone has willingly sat with him is in a mental hospital and how that's… Exceedingly pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>He also thinks if Kuroo was planning, at the beginning of the school day, to commit. He wonders what would have happened if Kuroo had succeeded.</p><p> </p><p>For some reason, it strikes a nerve in him. Makes him so uncomfortable he shifts in his seat. The thought of this kid he doesn't even know dying really, really bothers him, to the point where he pushes the thought to the back of his head, all the way back so he doesn't think of it anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you good?" Kuroo asks, clearly noticing how uncomfortable he looks, taking it as being comfortable because of him. </p><p>"Yeah, I'm good, I j- I just.." Kenma trails off, looking at Kuroo's shirt.</p><p>His eyes light up.</p><p>"Is that a volleyball shirt? Like, from Nekoma?" Kenma asks, looking up from the t-shirt and back up to Kuroo. Kuroo raises an eyebrow of bemusement, squinting his eyes a little.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Do you go there?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>my twitter is @hahatobiobrrr :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. you should have raised a baby girl, i should have been a better son</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Kenma and Kuroo have shitty parents.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kuroo says that middle blocker is the best position and Kenma just laughs . They have a genuine conversation, even though it's a bit.. Rocky. They avoid the fact that they're in a mental hospital for teens as a subject and just. Talk.</p><p>Kenma hasn't actually had a conversation with another teenager about his genuine interests in years. There was always Hinata, but he went to another school and would brush him off all the time, treat him like a second choice even though there were no other choices to choose from.</p><p>It always felt horrible.</p><p>But Kuroo is, like, okay.  Kenma knows nothing about him yet, at all, but he's cool. Chill. Medium.</p><p>God, that sounds.. So mean.</p><p>But Kenma is getting off subject.</p><p>The point is that the first day in the mental hospital wasn't too bad, not for a First Day At The Mental Hospital sort of day.</p><p>And now he needs to sleep.</p><p>But the thing is, thoughts are chasing him and asking for explanations. Why the attempt didn't work, why he wasn't more careful, what he could have done to avoid getting in this situation.</p><p>He couldn't even kill himself right.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>He twists around in the bed, shifting uncomfortably and he sets eyes on Kuroo's side of the room. Kuroo sleeps on his front, with two pillows on either side of his face, squishing his hair. 'How odd... 'Kenma thinks to himself 'Probably why his hair is such a mess'</p><p>Kuroo turns over onto his back, and he huffs.</p><p>"You can't- You can't sleep either?" Kenma asks, pressing his lips together in concern. Kuroo flips over to see him, blinking a few times, before turning around again. Even though it stings, Kenma shouldn't have expected a full conversation just because they have the same band.</p><p>But then Kuroo mumbles something.</p><p>"No, I can't. It's too fucking cold in here." He complains, flipping around a couple of times before just sitting up, stretching his legs out and focusing on the roof.</p><p>Well, that wasn't exactly what Kenma was going to say, but he'll take it.</p><p>Kenma nods in agreement, also sitting up, but his arms around himself for warmth. Sighing, he rolls little circles into his back, humming constantly. He did this, a lot, to try to get his mind off of things. It made him feel soft. Comforted.</p><p>Kuroo looks at him and snorts, raising an eyebrow that comes off as a judgy one. "Are you hugging yourself?"</p><p>Kenma's arms quickly fall, and he starts to pick at his hands, swallowing hard and shrivelling into the bed, biting his tongue. "Sorry, that must l- look really uh, weird. Sorr- Sorry."</p><p>Kuroo shakes his head and it gets so quiet that Kenma can hear himself blinking. "I didn't mean it like that, dude. I just mean that's, like, pretty smart."</p><p>It takes Kenma a while to develop, that he realizes that Kuroo, the Tetsuro Kuroo is making a joke. With him. Not at him. With him.</p><p>It's a bad one, but that's what makes it funny.</p><p>Kenma tries to fight back a stupid little grin, smacking his hand to his face. He giggles into it, and Kuroo looked so mellow just a few moments ago, but Kenma watches his face light up just a little, and they smile at each other.</p><p>Without another word, Kuroo  flips over, looking to the wall. "I'm gonna try to catch some sleep."</p><p>"Okay," Kenma says, "Goodnight." After that little half-conversation, he feels a bit more relieved, for some reason. That pit in his stomach is still there, but it's withered, just enough for him to fall asleep.</p><p>"Night, Kozume."</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Kenma thought he knew what he was expecting, when visiting hours came. The nurse came for him, the same nurse that greeted him in the beginning, and she leads him to the waiting room.</p><p>He thought he was going to see his Mother.</p><p>That's what he was hoping. And even then, who else would it be? Nobody really cared for him, especially not enough to come check on him in a mental hospital. He has friends, but Hinata was a family friend. He knows there's a difference since it was pointed out just so many times to him that he lost count.</p><p>But there's still hope. There's still hope that it might be Hinata. Maybe he would come for him, all the way here to see him- would he? He hopes so. But Kenma has learned how to not 'hope' and to just 'guess'.</p><p>Hope is a dangerous concept, for a boy like him.</p><p>But then he sees who came.</p><p>It's a man. Blonde hair that's messy and switched all ways around, tall and sturdy looking, his arms held sternly to his chest. He looks stressed, and looks strangely familiar- there are red marks under his eyes as if he's been crying. Dark, deep eye bags under.</p><p>The man looks up to him, and his eyes widen as he shivers, and falters back a little.</p><p>"You've… you've gotten big." The man says, and he has a fond look to his face, as he tilts it to the side.</p><p>Then it clicks.</p><p>Blonde hair, the strands that his Mother used to trim every month. Sturdy, long arms- they were good for helping you climb, picking you off the couch when you fell asleep, pushing you on the swings.</p><p>No.</p><p>He refuses. He refuses to let people just come in and ruin shit for him even when he's doing good, he refuses to let this happen again- he's already so bad and he's not good and he can't let this happen again. He feels himself fill up with anger,, and his sight floods with hate as he remembers all this man put him and his Mother through.</p><p>The money.</p><p>The food.</p><p>The pain of watching someone you look up to just walk away without an explanation. The pain of losing someone so dear to you.</p><p>He won't let that happen again.</p><p>This is why he wanted to be gone, why he wanted it all to be over with. This. Nobody will ever care about him until he's dead. And even then, that's questionable.</p><p>"What are  you doing here?" Kenma sneers, and he backs up, caving in on himself. The nurses outside the room glance at him.</p><p>Kenma's dad sighs, like he has a right to be 'annoyed' with him. "I'm.. I'm so sorry, Kenma, really. If I could do anything to fix this, if you'd let me," Hi is starting to come off as desperate for his forgiveness.</p><p>"I don't want your apology." Kenma snaps, looking away from him.</p><p>"Please, Kenma, I'm trying, "</p><p>"Trying isn't enough. I don't care if you- if you feel bad that I almost died from killing myself, I don't care if you feel pity for me, because I'm not a- not a charity case. Go away. I don't want you here. I could have used you ten years ago, but you weren't- you weren't there, and now it's too late. " Kenma trails, pointing at him accusingly as he sits back to the chair, letting out a deep puff.</p><p>His Father stumbles back like he's been physically hurt, his arms tighter around his chest. Kenma only looks away, looking down at his shoes.</p><p>"I'd like you to leave now." Kenma says, trying to sound strong, trying to sound sure of himself when really he just wanted to launch himself across the room and get a nice, good punch in.</p><p>But he was a coward.</p><p>So of course, he didn't.</p><p>"Kenma, kiddo…" He starts, his eyebrows shifting up a little. He looks like he's about to cry.</p><p>"No."</p><p>Kenma  closes his eyes, and only opens them when he hears the door close a few seconds later.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Kuroo jolts when Kenma slams himself next to him, pushing his head between his arms and huffing.</p><p>Kenma is. So pissed.</p><p>He can feel Kuroos's  cat-like eyes on him, but he only buries his head deeper, a little annoyed when it hits the table, making a sound that complies to the sound of a hiss.</p><p>"Fuck, what got up your ass today?" Kuroo asks, and it sounds more like a joke, but. It only makes Kenma groan even more , and Kuroo looks at him with even more confusion.</p><p>He knows they are not in that Comfortable Stage Of Talking yet, but he needs to be pissed at something, he needs to be angry, so once he opens his mouth he just can't shut it. "My Dad came today. I haven't seen him in a while. And now he's here because he knows I tried to kill mys- kill myself and now he thinks he has the right to just.. Come into my life and fuck it up worse than he already did." </p><p>Kenma didn't usually talk so openly like this. But, Kuroo is listening, and he completely puts his fork down, listening to Kenma speak.</p><p>Fuck. When's the last time someone did that?</p><p>"And I hate him so much, you have no idea. He just.. Left us and I won't let him come back so easily. I can't." Kenma says, and now that he's got some of it out (he left out the part where he wishes every night that his 'dad' was dead) he feels less like slamming his head into a wall.</p><p>Kuroo nods, like he's taking it in. He waits for a moment, a few more bites of his food, and then he looks up at him. "Your Dad is a dick." He says, bluntly , and Kenma can't help but kind of snort at how plain he is about it.</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>Kuroo only grins in response, and then his face falls. He presses his lips together.</p><p>"My Dad told everyone that I did it," Kenma guesses the 'it' they are referring to is the suicide attempt, "For attention. "</p><p>Kenma sneers. What type of Father would say that about their kid? A bad one, he's guessing. "Fuck him." He says, sternly, and Kuroo nods in agreement.</p><p>"Fuck him."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. do you like or 'like like' me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He doesn't know how to turn on the shower.</p><p>And it's not like Kenma doesn't like taking showers, or that he likes taking no shower for a week or two. He doesn't like doing that. He starts to feel itchy, even if he hasn't gone anywhere- dirty. Dirty is a feeling that he always feels.</p><p>But it's hard to not look down in a shower.</p><p>He starts to pick out every single insecurity. Starts to look at the bruises and the scars and the ways he isn't good enough.</p><p>But he has to take a shower. Right now. He hadn't for more than three days and he needed to get it together. To try.</p><p>Even if he would probably be in tears by the end of it.</p><p>He needs to get this over with- do it quick and fast. But he can't do that if he doesn't even know how to put on the damn shower.</p><p>"Hey, Kenma," Kuroo calls from the outside. Kenma doesn't know when Kuroo started calling him by his given name, but, he hasn't had someone call him  that since..</p><p>Since forever.</p><p>It was nice. Hinata used to always call him 'Ken', which wasn't exactly the best nickname that he could have gotten, but Hinata obviously doesn't know why. So he used to deal with it.</p><p>But. 'Kenma'. Just Kenma .</p><p>It was simple. It was his actual name, after all. Kenma could get used to that.</p><p>"Do you need help? With the shower. You seem like you're having a hard time with it." Kenma doesn't understand why it sounds so forced, or suggestive, but he just nods with an answer of 'Yes, please.'</p><p>Kuroo does a few twists on the shower and it turns on. Kenma's change of clothes is right on the counter, so Kenma just steps into the shower and lets his clothes soak in, slipping them off while the shower is still on.</p><p>"Jesus fuck, dude," Kuroo says as Kenma throws his clothing over the curtain. "I could have left."</p><p>"No, this is, uhm, how I take showers. I don't really like it.. Looking. You- You know?" Kenma says, hissing at the cold water and trying to get a quick wash off so he can get out of it.</p><p>"Looking." It sounds like it was supposed to be a question, but Kuroo says it so plainly it loses the Question type of vibe. "Why can't you?"</p><p>"I'm weird. And… there's. Scars.a lot of them." Kenma says, and Connor is silent for a moment before he makes a hum that sounds like understatement.</p><p>"Bodies are made to scar and bruise. That's like. Their job. Bruises and scars heal, eventually, they aren't forever- and even while they're there, they don't make you unpleasant to look at. Would you say that about anyone who's ever gotten hurt and developed scars in the process?"</p><p>Well. He's never really thought of it like that. Kenma turns off the shower and bites his lip, trying to think of a good answer for a moment. "Okay well, besides that-" Kenma shakes his head a little, "Even without scars- I'm still weird."</p><p>"No, you aren't. In my opinion, you're a pretty fucking cute boy, dude." Kuroo seems so nonchalant about it, and it makes him feel a little more comfy.</p><p>Kenma doesn't know when his cheeks got so red. It kind of just happens. "Shouldn't you leave so the nurses don't think we're- we're fucking in here?" Kuroo sounds like he's choking, and it quickly dissolves into laughter.</p><p>Kenma wouldn't make a joke like that around just anyone.</p><p>He hopes Kuroo knows that.</p><p>"I'm leaving. Catch you at the group?"</p><p>"Okay"</p><p>Kenma really likes having such a good friend. Because that's what Kuroo is. A friend. Friends can call other friends pretty, right?</p><p>"And, Kenma," Kuroo says, and Kenma can feel his eyes on the curtain. "Seriously. Give yourself more credit. You're pretty."</p><p>Kenma can't really convince himself Kuroo is lying when he sounds so truthful.</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Kenma doesn't see Kuroo during the group.</p><p>When he asks the nurse where he is, Kenma doesn't get an answer, which is even worse. Most of the time when somebody leaves, they at least tell the patients.</p><p>So. It couldn't have been that.</p><p>Gosh, what if he's hurt himself somehow? What if he's stuck somewhere, what if he went batshit on a nurse and he's getting sent to permanent mental hospital, what if-</p><p>Kenma, now, sees Kuroo at lunch, and immediately comes to sit down with him, looking at him with concern. Kuroo looks up at him, and his eyes are an angry red colour. His face looks dry, dehydrated, as he sniffles.</p><p>"Hi," Kenma says, and he's trying to catch Kuroo's eyes again. He only bites his lip, and he does it hard- the pink in them is slowly fading.</p><p>"My fucking- my fucking dad came today, and he just, he told me that I was- That I was a disgrace and that I wasn't even trying to get better when I'm trying my hardest, and he doesn't even- he doesn't even know that this is why I didn't want to be here anymore. Because even my own family, in fact, nobody would give two fucks if I just dropped dead." Kuroo is trailing, shaking his head as he wipes his tears and people are starting to stare. He's taking short, heavy breaths.</p><p>" I would. I would give- I would give a fuck." Kenma mumbles, and Kuroo looks at him. He has his eyebrows raised, and he kind of coughs a laugh, wiping away his tears again.</p><p>"Wh- Are you serious?" Kuroo asks, a little smile on his face.</p><p>Kuroo looks so pretty when he smiles.</p><p>"One hundred percent. I would give all- all the fucks. Tons of fucks. Infinity fucks."</p><p>Kuroo starts giggling, which is an even prettier sight.  An amused smile tugs at his lips, exposing his glinting canines. He mumbles an 'okay, I get it,' but Kenma doesn't stop there. He keeps going.</p><p>"You're- You were dealt shitty parents. A shitty Dad. And you still- you still need help, but, you're an okay person, Kuroo. And you're getting better. Obviously."</p><p>Kuroo rolls his eyes, even though there's just a speckle of trust in his face. "Stop it. That's cheesy."</p><p>"Oh, fuck you, Tetsurou, i was being nice." Kenma says, playfully. He didnt notice how he used Kuroo's given name. He'd forgotten how nice it felt actually joking around with someone. It was a nice feeling. </p><p>A really nice feeling.</p><p>And Kuroo is also, really, really nice.</p><p>Everything, in this moment, is really, really nice. And he wants it to stay this way forever.</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Kenma shifts on the bed, taking in a deep breath of air and exhaling. The room has started to smell like Kuroo. Kenma sits up, looking over to Kuroo.</p><p>He's still annoyed over how there are no blankets, and he knows, safety hazard or whatever, but it's still.. Insanely cold. Kenma looks over to him, humming a little when their eyes meet.</p><p>"It's cold as shit in here." Kuroo mumbles, sighing into the comforter. "Uh.. Body warmth?" Kenma asks, stretching out his arms. Kuroo raises an eyebrow, slightly confused. Kenma shakes his head, putting his arms down again.</p><p>"Nevermind, seriously, it was stupid-"</p><p>Kuroo crosses his arms, making a sound of disagreement. "Nothing you say to me is- is stupid. What does that mean?" Kuroo looks kind of blushy, soft, and Kenma is writhing in the way his hair falls over his face.</p><p>God, he's cute .</p><p>"Me and Hinata used to play this, like, game when we were younger where we would huddle up when it got cold. 'Body warmth'. I thought that was, like, a game that everyone played when we were younger.."</p><p>Kuroo had heard of the game, when he was younger, but he never really played because of.. Obvious reasons. "Oh. C'mere, then."</p><p>Kenma pauses, and then slivers next to him, sitting on the bed. Kuroo beckons him closer, making a little 'come here' motion with his hands. Small, but forward.</p><p>Kuroo was trying to be forward. Trying to be Cool and Calm and Collected. Totally. That's what he was.</p><p>He was very Cool and Calm and Collected when Kenma crawled into his lap, wrapping his arms around his back and shuffling his face into the crook of his neck. He was very Cool and Calm and Collected as Kenma's soft lips brushed up against his collarbone.</p><p>Kuroo was fine and totally not dying. He was not dying.</p><p>Kenma hangs onto his waist and pulls him just a little closer, and for some reason, he doesn't push away.</p><p>They're. Insanely close, so close Kenma can hear his heartbeat. It's becoming gradually faster, and Kuroo separates from his neck, looking at him. Kenma tilts his head in confusion.</p><p>"Are you okay?" He asks, reaching out to brush the hair out of his face before faltering back. That's not a thing that friends do. They're friends. Buddies. Bros. Nothing else.</p><p>Kuroo would never want anything else. It's already enough that he's bothering to talk to him.</p><p>Kenma doesn't need anything else. He doesn't. This is enough- being next to someone is enough.</p><p>Kuroo couldn't want anything.. Romantic to do with him. That's dumb. Kuroo is too perfect and too pretty  to like him. He's too shiny.</p><p>"Why would you ever want to- to me? I don't under- understand, I don't," Kuroo is joking with him, touching him like this. Kuroo has never liked him, Kuroo obviously has other friends outside of school and he acted like he liked Kenma just to do this.</p><p>That's what's happening here. That has to be what's happening here.</p><p>Kuroo has a soft grip on his arms, and everything is so buzzy and so perfect and so, so weird.</p><p>But he leans into it. At some point, Kuroo pulls apart from him and presses soft pecks to his neck, and his cheeks, and his nose, whispering little mumbles softly against Kenma's ear, And he is going to die on the hospital bed right now at this moment.</p><p>"The nurse is gonna come here soon," Kenma whispers, and Kuroo makes a hum of annoyance against his shoulder, pulling away and grinning. Kenma blushes and looks away.</p><p>Kenma decides to not question what just happened and assume that they aren't friends. He guesses? He doesn't know what the norm is for friends.</p><p>"He- Hey, Tetsurou, are you just.. Not gonna talk to me when we get back to school? I mean, you can, I know I'm a embarrassment or whatever-"</p><p>"Of course I'll keep on talking to you. Why the fuck would I not?" Kuroo says, sounding a bit defensive, and Kenma races to explain himself.</p><p>"It's just that, me and Hinata are family friends and- and uh, he doesn't really like me that much and I don't know maybe this is just a one time thing and-" Kenma is jumping to conclusions, he knows, but most of the time when he's jumping to conclusions he's right.</p><p>"Kenma, look at me." Kenma does. "I like you, okay? I think you're really nice. You're fucked up, obviously, but I am too. I wouldn't be here right now if I wasn't, dude. Seriously. We're good."</p><p>'I like you', 'I think you're really nice'.</p><p>I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you.</p><p>Kenma repeats the words in his head over and over and over again, blushing a little as he hears them in his head over and over and over again.</p><p>He likes me.</p><p>Somebody likes me.</p><p>"Oh," Kenma giggles a little, slapping his hand over his mouth, "Okay."</p><p>"Okay?" Kuroo asks back.</p><p>"Mhm."</p><p>"I really like you, Tetsurou." Kenma mutters as he is settling in his own bed.</p><p>"I really like you too, Kenma"</p><p>Kenma doesn't really know what type of like they're talking about, but he doesn't really want to know, right now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. sometimes all I think about is you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>woah ive only started writing today but people are already reading this? wowowowow thank you &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kenma doesn't get a warning when he's suddenly called to pack his shit and get out the room. Kuroo was going to be here for the rest of the weekend, which meant for that time, Kuroo would be alone.</p><p>That wasn't a good thing. At all. Kenma tries to look on the bright side- at least they'd have the first day of school together. But looking on the bright side wasn't exactly the easiest when he had to face his Mother. And Father. And Hinata.</p><p>Kenma doesn't doubt that Hinata didn't figure it out yet, and he doesn't blame him. They aren't friends and never have been. Why would he worry? What about? They almost never see each other on the weekends unless it's Hinata begging him to set to him.</p><p>Kenma whispers his number three times into his ear. Three times, makes Kuroo promise he's got it, makes sure he remembers before being torn away from him.</p><p>He should be happy to leave. It's a mental hospital. He feels okay, he guesses- he doesn't exactly feel like taking a swan dive off the roof, but. Maybe he just doesn't have enough energy.</p><p>During the car ride, his Mother is cautious in what he asks him- like he's fragile, and during a red light, she looks at him. "Hinata was worried." Kenma flinches at his name, shaking his head a little in disbelief. He tries not to scoff, but it slips out anyway.</p><p>She reaches out to hold onto his hand, and even though it's uncomfortable, he lets her anyway. "Why the long face? He cares about you, hunny," She doesn't know the half of it. She doesn't know about the taunting, and the using, everything. She doesn't know what she's talking about.</p><p>Hinata thinks he's an embarrassment. A stuttering loser. Hinata thinks he has a dumb obsession with his dumb video games, Hinata thinks he's lazy, Hinata thinks a lot of things about Kenma and none of them are good.</p><p>"Stop it!" He snaps, slamming his hand against the door, and his Mother jumps, looking at him with concern. With pity. "I'm sorry, I just- I just.. Please. Jus- Just stop." He reels out, trying to give her anything that will make her shut up. Talking about him is hard enough, he doesn't want to think about how he could have been affected by this.</p><p>Even though Kenma is completely sure nobody, nobody at all would care if he just disappeared off the face of the earth.</p><p>She breaks the silence again.</p><p>"Sweetheart. Hinata is at the house right now. He said.. He said he needs to talk to you." Talk to him. Talk to him, and about what?</p><p>Volleyball? He probably didn't get to playthis entire week.</p><p>"A-About what?" He says, bitterly, because it's just a reminder of one of the reasons he wanted to fuck off this earth.</p><p>His only friend before he met Kuroo didn't even see him as one.</p><p>She doesn't answer, instead, she makes a slight U-turn. This means he really has no choice in talking to Hinata in the first place.</p><p>Fantastic.</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>As Kenma walks into the house, he kind of relaxes. Everything is the same. The coffee pot, the table with many scratches in it, the cracked windows. Everything was the same.</p><p>That was a comfort.</p><p>He walks down the hall, and he watches out for the spots where there are creaks in the wood. He opens his bedroom door, and, speak of the devil, there he is.</p><p>Hinata's head snaps up towards him when the door makes That Sound his door always makes. "Kenma" He looks tired. Really tired. His hair is tousled and his eyes droop, eyelashes shadowing over them. He's shaking his head. "Kenma, is it true?"</p><p>He takes a step away from him. Of course he knows, but it's still a shocker that the cat's out of the bag. "Yeah." He mumbles, and he doesn't know why he feels embarrassed - maybe it's the fact that he can't even kill himself right and probably everyone at the school knows.</p><p>" W- Why ?" Hinata asks, and his voice is getting louder in octave as he stands up from Kenma's bed. "Why? You were fine, anxious but fine, and then you just. Why didn't you say something? I could have.. I could have done something, do you really think that there's no one that would miss you?" Hinata sniffles, wiping at his eyes, shaking the suicide note in front of his face. Kenma snags it from his hands, setting it down and looking away.</p><p>He doesn't know why people suddenly love him. Maybe it's because they didn't get a chance to apologize, revive themselves- prove themselves a good person.</p><p>But he's not gonna be a pawn for that.</p><p>"Yeah, Hinata," Kenma starts, looking up to him and taking a deep breath because he's angry, he's so pissed that suddenly everyone gives a shit about him. "Yeah, I- I did. What, are you gonna blame me? Are you go- you gonna tell me I could have talked to someone? Well fucking ex- excuse me, Hinata, but everyone that used to be on that list, a short one, I was- was convinced hated me." He bites, and he gets louder as he gets angrier, and he throws a pillow in his direction.</p><p>"But. You could have," Hinata is yelling back through tears, and Kenma is seeing them, big and fat, rolling down his face and downward to his collarbones. "You could have said something! "</p><p>Everything is gathering up. Years of being shunned by his Dad, seeing pictures of his perfect family and wondering what he did to not deserve that. His Mum telling him that he's getting better and pressuring him to do shit he doesn't want to do- work harder Kenma, can you at least try, Kenma, did you even try, Kenma, did you do your work today, Kenma. Over and over and over again.</p><p>And then there was Hinata. Hinata, that always reminded him he was nothing more than a family friend. Made sure he knew he was nothing more than that.</p><p>And now, suddenly, everyone cares about him?</p><p>Bullshit.</p><p>Years of pushing all that down, years of dealing with the same shit again and again and again is packing in his throat, like foam, and he decides that for once he's going to open his mouth and actually say what he's thinking.</p><p>"Well maybe I didn't want your help! Eve- Ever thought about that? Maybe I just want to- to fuck off this earth and never have to hear how much I'm not needed ever again!" Kenma keeps on going, because now he can't stop, "Maybe I never wanted to deal with your mocking ever again! Maybe I hated being around you just as much as you hated being around me. Maybe I didn't want to be used. Hav- Have you ever thought about that?!"</p><p>Hinata pauses. The silence is so, so big- suffocating. It fills up the room, claws around their necks. It's painful. But that weight that followed Kenma everywhere- it was gone. He didn't have to take it anymore. Didn't have to swallow it down anymore.</p><p>But he's not done.</p><p>"And, let's be honest," Kenma starts, opening up his lap top and replacing the spot where Hinata sat. "All I ever was to you was something for you to use. Someone for you to practice volleyball with. I don't even like volleyball anymore. Did you know that? Did you know that I hate it so much that I cant stand to play it anymore because it just reminds me of you?"</p><p>That seems to push him off the edge. Hinata picks up his bag and rushes out the room, the door closing behind him. He is walking down the stairs so quick that Kenma hears the footsteps.</p><p>He's tired of being a second choice. And he's tired of being a family friend.</p><p>They were much more than that.</p><p>And then it all floods into his brain of what Hinata could say, what he could do. He could tell everyone about his attempt, but then again, who doesn't know? News spreads fast in this town.</p><p>But would Hinata ever go that far because of a few words he said? Hinata could be unpredictable at times.. He doesn't think so. Kenma hit a soft spot, maybe, but that's it.</p><p>Besides, he thinks, looking over to his phone, There are more important things to think about.</p><p>__________________________________________</p><p>In the morning, Kenma is a little surprised to wake up to the roof of his room rather than the roof of the hospital. When he turns and doesn't see Kuroo, his stomach feels like it's dropping, and he sits up quickly to grasp his surroundings, a cold sweat slipping down his face.</p><p>He does the things he used to do a few weeks ago when this was the norm. Brushes his teeth, grabs his gaming console. All the things he's done for the past seventeen years.</p><p>But the air is tense. Something is different from how it used to be, and he's not stupid. He knows it's probably the fact he tried to off himself just one or two weeks ago. But it's still strange.</p><p>He walks down the stairs, and, like usual, his Mother isn't there. It's not a surprise. She used to try to wait for him to wake up to say goodbye, but he guesses that's not an option anymore.</p><p>She did leave a note, though.</p><p>'Breakfast is in the fridge. Call me if you need anything! :)'</p><p>It was written in her usual quick, rushy handwriting. There were a few little hearts written around it, filled out and others not. He opens the fridge and then closes it again.</p><p>He doesn't feel like eating.</p><p>Kenma replaces his 'healthy' breakfast with a spare whipped cream can, and falls onto the couch, letting out a deep breath as he turns on the t.v. He really ever puts it on as background noise for going onto his phone.</p><p>The day goes by like the days always do. Slow and lonely and terribly silent- even the t.v can't hide the fact that there's no one else in the house but him. </p><p>He walked into the bathroom, discarding his shirt and shorts, pulling out a bottle of lavender bubble bath. He poured it into the running water and sighed, rolling his neck back.  Wandering back out into the living area, he grabbed his phone and his DS (only partially charged, but enough to last for the duration of his bath). Turning the corner, he entered to kitchen and grabbed a bottle of melon soda from the fridge, shoving it under his chin. Kenma shivered slightly at the cool metal, feeling the condensed water trickle down his neck.</p><p>Walking back over to the bathroom, he shut the door with his foot and placed the pop can on the ledge of the bathtub. He placed his DS beside it, and opened his phone to scroll his music library for something to listen to. Choosing a random electronic playlist, he set his phone on the floor by the tub and stepped into the warm water, shutting it off with the other hand. Sliding the rest of his body into the water, he rolled his shoulders back, releasing the days tension from his shoulders. The synths from the music sent little waves in the water, splashing up Kenma’s bent knees.</p><p>Letting out a long sigh, Kenma sank down into the water, fully submerging his face in the water. He made an effort not to look at himself. His body that he hated so much. His hair billowed in the water, fanning out around his face. Everything was muffled underwater, the music, his thoughts, his worries, all replaced with the sounds of water. He couldn’t stay under forever, thought. Lifting his body slightly, Kenma poked half his head out of the water and took a deep breath through his nose.</p><p>It was unsettling, for him, to be noticed, when his entire life had consisted of him trying to do the very opposite. But whether he was noticed for a good reason or bad, Kenma couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched, of being known.</p><p>It wasn’t like Kenma wanted to think about Kuroo, but his mind wandered to him anyways. Not many people care to speak with strangers, much less to him. But somehow, Kuroo spoke to Kenma, of all people. And he listened when Kenma spoke, and he didn’t pressure him to speak when he didn’t.</p><p> Kenma poured the shampoo into his palm and began to massage it into his head, working his fingers through the long strands. He leaned forward and dunked his head underwater, working the shampoo out of his hair. It bubbled into the water, stealing from its clarity and tainting it with soap.</p><p>But wouldn’t it be suspicious if I stopped speaking to him? If he already suspects me, running away would make him investigate further. If I just speak to him he’ll get thrown off and go away, Kenma debated with himself as he began to wring his hair of the dripping water. It was a simple idea, one that indulged his curiosity for Kuroo and also gave him a legitimate reason to.</p><p>As he began to work the conditioner through his hair, his music cut out, giving way to the song that signalled an all to familiar person’s call. Leaning over the tub, Kenma grabbed his phone and fumbles with it, squinting at the number that isn't his mothers, just a bit confused, when it hits him.</p><p>Kuroo.</p><p>He presses the answer button and puts it to his ear. "Tetsurou?" He'd forgotten for just a moment that he hated phone calls. But now he's remembered, and he's starting to panic.</p><p>Kuroo's smooth, soft, welcoming voice comes and everything is okay again. Everything is still. He lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. It's okay now.</p><p>Kuroo's alive.</p><p>"Hey, Kenma" Kenma makes this laugh that sounds a little bit like its soaking with disbelief, but hopeful. Kuroo is alive. Kuroo is alive.</p><p>"You didn't- You didn't die." Kenma sniffles, because fuck he does not want to cry at the moment, but he's just. Glad he isn't dead. Glad he didn't do something stupid.</p><p>"Wow, way to greet a guy, dude." Kuroo jokes, and Kenma laughs just a little through his sniffles. There's a pause. "Oh my god, are you crying right now? I never took you for such a sap, dude, oh my fucking lords-"</p><p>" Oh, fuck- fuck off." Kenma replies, washing the conditioner out his hair, and they stay on the phone for a while. </p><p>Kenma still doesn't know how the next day is going to go. Staying under a shadow and slipping right past the eyes of the bullies would, most likely, fail. But this time he had someone. Someone that might help him.</p><p>It wasn't assured, but they were friends. Or on the spectrum. Kuroo said he wouldn't bail on him, and Kenma is trying his hardest to believe that.</p><p>"I can pick you up, if you want. My parents pitied me and gave me my car back." Kuroo says through the phone, and it sounds like a spring is bouncing while he moves around on the bed.</p><p>//We're just gonna pretend that its legal for them to drive lmao//</p><p>Kenma sometimes got picked up by Hinata. But that was on the days he needed some money from his parents. It never meant there was progress.</p><p>And Kenma is.. Completely freaked out, most of the time, driving with someone he doesn't know.</p><p>But tomorrow, by the weather forecast, it's going to be pouring, and he would rather drive with Kuroo than walk around in rain and end up getting soaked. He would never flat out make anyone else drive him to school. They're too busy for that.</p><p>So he comes to the conclusion that, even though he doesn't want to be a bother, he really has no choice. Not having a choice is a nice thing.</p><p>"Okay... I- I'll like, message you my address. If that's okay?" Kuroo makes a sound that sounds like an exhausted ' of course, Kenma,' and Kenma sighs.</p><p>School is going to be tiring. And long, and full of what he's guessing of new nicknames.</p><p>But Kuroo would be going through it too, wouldn't he? So it wouldn't be that bad.</p><p>It wouldn't be.</p><p>It wouldn't.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. When the rain washes you clean, you'll know</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>listen to the song 'dreams' by fleetwood mac while reading :)<br/>TW: the f slur, homophobia, suicidal thoughts, panic attack</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the morning, the alarm is what wakes him up. There's a message from his Mother, filled with smiley faces and heart emojis. It was just like her- overly supportive and fake.</p><p>But it didn't matter. He didn't want to care. So he decided that he didn't.</p><p>It didn't matter that he nearly died a few weeks ago- it really didn't. It was nobody's problem other than his. He shouldn't have expected things to change a little just because he tried to die.</p><p>He goes through all the normal things he does in the morning, except this time, he has to get dressed. He's going through his closet that's filled with polo shirts and black trousers, but he stops when he's met with something different.</p><p>A skirt. It's long, of course, and has little daisies trickled all over them. It's pretty, and looks flowy, looks like it would hang comfortably around his waist. He imagines what he would look like in it, and for just a moment, the idea is nice.</p><p>But this is high school. He's already probably got a whole lot of eyes on him, why would he want more? Just the thought of walking through his small town with a skirt makes him want to vomit.</p><p>He quickly chooses his normal school uniform and puts it on, grabbing an energy drink as he exits the kitchen.</p><p>His phone dings, and he picks it up.</p><p>'Im outside' </p><p>It reads, and there's no name under the number. He enters in a quick 'Kuro &lt;3' and leaves it at that, wondering out the house and jumping into his truck. It's a dark green colour, and smells like candle wax and chocolate on the inside.</p><p>It's cold. Freezing, actually. He shuffles in the seat and wraps his arms around himself. "Good- Goodmorning."</p><p>"G'Morning." Kuroo answers, and his voice sounds a little sleepy. His eyes trail over Kenma's small frame and he raises a sharp eyebrow. "Aren't you cold?"</p><p>Kenma shakes his head even though he's shivering, and brings himself in in a fetal position for body warmth. It doesn't work.</p><p>Kuroo gives him a look that he's never gotten from Kuroo before, and then turns to the back and grabs a random hoodie that's baggy and at least smells a little nice. He pushes it into Kenma's hands. "Don't want you catching a cold, Kenma. Put the hoodie on."</p><p>He nearly protests,nearly, but it's freezing and the hoodie smells so comforting and it looks so warm , so he slips it over his head and looks out the window, seeing the rain patter down on the glass.</p><p>As the car starts, Kenma rests his head on it, taking a deep breath in.</p><p>At a red light, Kuroo takes out his phone and plugs it into the aux, looking back to the road and sighing. He looks a little impatient, tapping on the wheel.</p><p>Kuroo seems like the type of guy to have road rage.</p><p>'Like a heartbeat, drives you mad,</p><p>In the stillness of remembering what you had,'</p><p>Kenma smiles, just a little. "Is this Fleetwood Mac?" Kuroo looks at him and grins back, nodding. "What's your- your favourite song?"</p><p>Kuroo takes a moment to think about it. They should be a few minutes away from the school by now. "Hm.. Rhiannon. Totally." Kenma playfully rolls his eyes, mumbling a ' but everyone likes Rhiannon, it's a masterpiece,' and it slips back into a comfortable silence. (When had silences ever been comfortable?)</p><p>'And what you lost,</p><p>And what you had,</p><p>And what you lost.. '</p><p>They start to pull into the school, and Kuroo is looking around expectantly, probably for a parking spot. The one he spotted gets filled by another, and Kenma tries not to laugh when Kuroo mutters an annoyed 'shit !'</p><p>'Oh, thunder, only happens when it's raining,</p><p>Players, only love you when they're playing,</p><p>They say women, they will come and they will go,</p><p>When the rain washes you clean, you'll know,</p><p>You'll know,'</p><p>They find a parking spot eventually. Kenma moves to grab onto the handle, but it doesn't budge. He raises an eyebrow and tries harder. Then it hits him.</p><p>Kuroo has him on child lock.</p><p>Kenma sends him a questioning eye, his eyes flicking to the handle of the car. Kuroo only shrugs and gets out, goes around, and opens the door for him. Kenma jumps out, and they both don't speak of the child lock as they walk next to each other, going up to the doors.</p><p>Kenma can feel eyes on him, and he shrinks under said eyes, caving in on himself to make himself smaller. Small to the point where they can't see him.</p><p>Kuroo, on the other hand, doesn't seem bothered. He simply keeps a firm grip on Kenma's arm, and stands proud, his eyes piercing into anyone who dares to stare. They all shake away from him at contact.</p><p>This, Kenma realizes, is Tetsurou Kuroo being who he is at school. Tetsurou Kuroo, the school shooter in the making. Tetsurou Kuroo, the quitter, the fighter.</p><p>Two of those versions of Kuroo, Kenma has not met with yet. Kenma has met with the Jokester of Kuroo, the soft, undefined, vulnerable of Kuroo- the protective of Kenma.</p><p>Kenma is glad he'd decided to learn the sides that were not given a light at school. Now, Kuroo wasn't Tetsurou Kuroo to him. Now, he was just Tetsurou.</p><p>He's happy with that. Happy with that fact.</p><p>As they walk into the halls, Kenma gets a few mumbles as he passes, shoves that come from people he's never seen before- but surprisingly, that's all he deals with. So far, that's all you've dealt with. Kenma reminds himself, huddling closer to Kuroo He guesses they look like friends.</p><p>That's good. Kenma wants to be Kuroo's friend.</p><p>"You gotta get to class, Kenma." People are starting to pause when they see a new face next to Kuroo- an unfamiliar face. A few whispers of 'Is that Kenma Kozume?' Are muttered under somebody's breath.</p><p>It's surprising. He didn't think anyone knew his name.</p><p>Kenma nods, departing from Kuroo's side as they walk opposite ways.</p><p>He can handle this.</p><p>It can't be that bad.</p><p>Right ?</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Wrong.</p><p>Turns out it could be quite that bad, because Kenma is currently at the bottom of the school floor and it smells like piss and sweat and teenage boy, which coincidentally, is not a very nice fucking smell to fill your lungs when you're having a panic attack.</p><p>What started it was a few boys behind him in english class. They threw a couple of notes at him, just a couple, and he doesn't know why it stung so much but it just did. He always slipped under the radar. He was never noticed, never seen- why can't he go back to that?</p><p>There were a few different things written on the paper. 'Faggot', 'Freak', but what hit him the most was 'quitter'.</p><p>'Quitter.'</p><p>You can't even kill yourself right.</p><p>'Quitter.'</p><p>Why don't you just do what you do best?</p><p>'Quitter.'</p><p>You know there are blades in your bookbag.</p><p>'Quitter.'</p><p>Do it.</p><p>' Quitter.'</p><p>Be good at something for once.</p><p>'Quitter.'</p><p>Be what they say you are.</p><p>' Quitter.'</p><p>Kenma is pathetic. He's pathetic for getting all bitchy about something like this, why is he like this? This isn't even comparable to the stuff Kuroo's probably gone through. He's being dumb and he's over reacting and....</p><p>He's biting at his arms, grabbing at himself, because he can't feel anything. He can't feel his face, and he pinches, but he gets nothing but a feeling of radio silence in him. He scratches and picks but nothing is working. There's a burning feeling in his chest and everything is going dark, dark spots are filling his vision and ridding him of the privilege of being able to see.</p><p>Turns out, it's one he wants. He can't breathe, so he gasps, takes deep breaths to try and fill himself up again, but nothing is working. It's like he's exhaling over and over and over and over again, and no air is coming in. He makes a desperate keening sound, scratching at the tiles.</p><p>When something is touching him, a rough hand on the cheek of his face, Kenma chases it, pushing himself further into it because yes, yes this is what he needs, this is what he needs to wring him back to reality.</p><p>His breathing is evening, he can take a few huffs in, and it's the best Panic Attack First Breath that he's ever had. His hands are being shooed away from his arms, and he lets it happen, because he can breathe and that's what matters.</p><p>"Kenma?," Kuroo. He knows that voice, it's Kuroo. "Kenma. Are you with me?"</p><p>Kenma simply leans further into the touch in response, all the way into his chest, and heaves.</p><p>Kuroo makes a sound that sounds like a mix of endearment and worry. Kenma's eyesight is starting to slowly deescalate from complete darkness, and now he can focus on the few things he does see.</p><p>Kuroo's arm. The Bathroom stalls. The sinks. The floor. The toilets. Kuroo's face.</p><p>He relaxes.</p><p>This is real. Everything is real. Kuroo is real.</p><p>Kena lifts his head up from Kuroo's chest and wipes at his eyes, not having realized he was crying in the first place.</p><p>"It was- there were these shitty dudes? I think their names were like... Fuck, I don't remember. They're popular. I kind of got some n- notes thrown at me, and I don't know, I. Was being over dramatic and it was stupid and I don't know, it just really bother- bothered me.." Kenma trails off, but when he looks up, Kuroo has the pieces of paper in his hands.</p><p>There's this new look on his face, a look that he's never quite met with before. Defensive. His eyebrows are pinned down, making firm lines in his forehead. He has an almost aggressive hold on the notes, and he slams it down, making Kenma jump.</p><p>"Fucking dicks," he bites out, standing up and reaching his hand out for Kenma to grab. He does, and he's lifted from the ground with a slightly rough pull. "Are you feeling okay?"</p><p>He nods, but then pauses. He didn't feel horrible , just jumpy and small. He just needed to not be here. At school.</p><p>It wasn't the best place to be while recovering from a panic attack.</p><p>"Okay, we can skip and I'll drive you home," Kuroo says softly, all open and caring and nurturing. Kenma discards the warm feeling that blooms in his stomach and travels it's way up to his chest.</p><p>"So, what was your address aga-"</p><p>Kenma zones out and looks to the floor, following Kuroo where he seems to be leading him. He feels tired and worn and loose and honestly, all he really wants is to lay in someone's arms and never let go. Just. Fall asleep, there, on their chest.</p><p>Apparently he wasn't paying enough attention.</p><p>He's pushed to the ground suddenly- randomly, his head collides with the cold, dirty floor. Kuroo winces as he lands on his arm, letting out a high hiss of pain. He can't understand what's happening, because it's all happening so fast- Kenma struggles to get up as he balances himself on one arm, able to hold himself up on all fours at this point.</p><p>There's a foot. It's a big one- and it's clothed by a sneaker. It's just a few steps away from his face, and it kicks up, so he braces for impact-</p><p>But nothing comes.</p><p>He can't see anything. He blinks wearily when he realizes there's a crowd, now, surrounding him. He reaches up for his own face and flinches at the slight trickle of blood that sits on his lip, eyes trailing to across the floor.</p><p>And that's when he sees it.</p><p>Kuroo is above one of the boys- one of them-(where' s the other one?) And he just. Wont stop. He just keeps on punching, keeps on hitting, and the boy below him is putting on as much of a fight, pushing at his chest and punching right back. There's a point where somebody has a hold on somebody else's neck.</p><p>Kenma stumbles up, because can't people die in fist fights? He joins in on pulling Kuroo off with the teachers, because the more he keeps going the more trouble he's in. Kenma's added strength is what pulls him off, and Kuroo is still breathing, rough and hard. He has a black eyes and a few red spots across his neck, even a little blood by his lip.</p><p>It's not exactly a pretty sight.</p><p>Kuroo can get expelled for this.</p><p>Who knows what will happen when his parents, that Kenma already doesn't have the best opinion on, come to pick him up.</p><p>It's when he looks up that Kenma realizes that Kuroo is running . Running like it's for his life in the other direction, probably to exit school, so Kenma runs behind him and doesn't stop for the calls of the teachers.</p><p>Kenma's eyes flicker behind him, and he slows, for just a moment. Hinata is staring back at him. Big eyes and tousled hair- he looks bewildered, confused, maybe a little agitated. Kenma knows that look, and for the first time since they were seven, he's the one that turns away.</p><p>' I guess you haven't gotten used to this, have you?'</p><p>As he catches up, Kuroo looks to him, and besides all his scarrings and marks, gives him a little playful smile. Kuroo then reaches out to hold Kenma's hand while running, and Kenma gladly accepts.</p><p>It's strange.</p><p>It tugs on his copper coloured eyes and makes below them just a tiny bit wrinkly, his nose crinkles up along with it. Slightly cracked lips with dried blood on them lift up into a grin, eyebrows doing a thing where they look so perfectly crafted, so pretty, that Kenma might just die if he looks at them for longer.</p><p>And it's strange, because. Had Kenma always felt this way?</p><p>No. Probably not.</p><p>But he doesn't mind feeling this way, about a friend.</p><p>Because that's what Kuroo is.</p><p>A friend.</p><p>Right?</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Kenma is running. He doesn't know what direction Kuroo is bringing him, but he's running along him as fast as he can, and sooner or later they're in his car and just. Driving.</p><p>This.. It's fast. Too fast. Everything is moving quick and nothing is waiting for a turn. All Kenma sees are the little lines outside of the window that he can't decipher, Kuroo is holding on tight to the wheel and the music is the slowest thing about this whole trip to wherever Kuroo and he are going.</p><p>It's fast.</p><p>Kenma likes the speed, oddly. Normally, everything in his life is moving a little slower than his pace, too careful, and he's grown to like it- but it' s just not enough, at moments. This, though, isn' t his normal- and even though it's overwhelming, Kenma is kind of. Addicted to it. The feeling.</p><p>"How are your parents gonna react when she finds out you skipped?" Kuroo asks, looking at him. Kenma thinks about it for a moment.</p><p>Well fuck. He hadn't thought about that.</p><p>"Tell her I panicked and ran. Lost my way because I was  to anxious, or something." Kenma says, calmly, making his story up as he goes. It seems solid. And it seems like a story that his Mother  wouldn't question, because of course she wouldn't.</p><p>Kuroo raises an eyebrow as he stops in front of a rundown orchard. He parks and looks over to Kenma.</p><p>"You're.. Good at lying." Kenma crumbles, lips pressing together as he tries the door. He's stopped by child lock (again) and this time doesn't even bother trying again.</p><p>Kuroo knows.</p><p>Kenma doesn' t mind that.</p><p>"Yeah, I, uh," Kenma looks at the window and sees how it honestly looks…. Awfully pretty. The orchard. Humongous trees, long, big branches and overgrown grass. "I've had a lot of practice."</p><p>Kuroo doesn't push further, which thank fuck he didn't, Kenma couldn't be held under so many questions for so long. He looks strange, nervous, maybe. He has a good bite on his lip.</p><p>Kenma nearly asks if he' s just supposed to ignore the fact that Kuroo just got into a fight. Something tells him that keeping that to himself might be better for this situation.</p><p>Careful.</p><p>He needs to be careful. Not because he's scared of Kuroo- his 'fear' of him had evaporated long ago, but because he's scared that this moment might just. Wither away.</p><p>Kuroo has smiled so much more, lately. He always looked so.. Bright. And that was weird, because they met in a mental hospital , but he looked better. Just. A little better.</p><p>"So, Like.. I thought maybe I could bring you to this orchard. It's. Obviously not even that big of a deal and dumb as shit but I loved this place while I was a kid and it's calming to me and you like trees and I was like 'well Kenma likes trees'. So." Kuroo is rambling a little, but talking at a slow pace so Kenma can catch up. Kenma shakes his head, grinning, just a bit, because he's smitten with the way Kuroo brushes his hair out of his face.</p><p>In a friend way.</p><p>It's in a friend way.</p><p>"Nono, It's- It's okay. I like it. It's really really pretty."</p><p>Kuroo goes around and unlocks the door for Kenma, and he steps out. The gate is.. Kind of short, in all honesty, and easy to climb. Kenma's still a little cautious. Kuroo could fall, and then what?</p><p>"You..want to- to climb this?" Kuroo asks, uncertainty clouding his eyes. This might not be safe.</p><p>Nothing they've done so far is safe, though, so. What's the harm?</p><p>Lots of harm. There are plenty of bad things that could happen in this situation, like falling down the gate, or getting caught, or the car getting towed, or Kuroo actually being a mass murderer that kills his victims here.</p><p>All of those things are Harmful Things.</p><p>He climbs the gate anyway right by Kuroo, and writhes in how proud he feels of himself when he gets over the fence. It's nice. He buries his feet into the grass a little and decides to ignore how Kuroo caught him before he fell. He also decides to ignore how this is a major safety hazard, walking along the sudden trail that shows itself when you get further into the orchard.</p><p>It's quiet. The birds are chirping and the twigs beneath their feet are snapping, but besides that, it's silent.</p><p>Kenma has a weird thing, around silence. Because there are so many things that could go wrong in one. Somebody could talk while it's a comfortable silence and ruin the entire mood. Nobody talks during an awkward one? Even worse.</p><p>But he would call this comfortable. He hopes Kuroo would too. Talking is not Kenma's forte.</p><p>Apparently, it isn't, because Kuroo breaks it, leaning onto one of these big oak trees and taking a seat under the leaves. He makes a 'come here' motion to Kenma with his fingers.</p><p>So Kenma does. He sits next to Kuroo under the shade even though it's already kinda cold. It's only october, but it's still fucking freezing. He shivers. Kuroo, on the other hand, seems completely unbothered.</p><p>He pulls out something that looks like a cigarette and then looks towards Kenma with a wary, cautious face. "Mind if I smoke?"</p><p>Kenma shakes his head.</p><p>So now they're here, under this big oak tree. With their uncomfortable/comfortable silence and smoke coming out from under it.</p><p>"So.. What's up with you and Shoyo Hinata?"</p><p>Kenma nearly chokes on his spit, coughing a few times and clearing his throat, before crowding in on himself and burying his face into his knees. " Nothing, " He says, just a little too harshly.</p><p>He was kind of hoping he could just. Forget. About Hinata.</p><p>Doesn't seem like it'll ever be that easy.</p><p>"I saw how he was lookin' at you. Is he your boyfriend or something?" Kuroo sounds like what he just said was practiced, thought out. He's picking at his nails, almost as if to seem… Careless?</p><p>Careless. Surely careless.</p><p>" No. God n-no, we were never.."</p><p>Kuroo raises a bemused eyebrow. "Never? "</p><p>Shit, that's not a good look. Kenma knows that Kuroo knows that Kenma knows that Kuroo knows. Not good news, at all. "I mean- our friendship! He never told me that what we had..was a friendship." It was a little bit true. Kenma never knew if it was romantic or if it was completely platonic. Everytime he asked, 'family friends' was the only answer he was provided.</p><p>Sooner or later he just stopped asking.</p><p>"You know, you're terrible at lying about little things."</p><p>No real point in lying now, is there? Kenma picks at his sleeves and looks to the grass. This was… embarrassing. He'd never talked about it out loud with anyone before, not even really Hinata, if he was being truthful. They kinda just. Did. They never talked about the relationship, it was always just there.</p><p>"We aren't dating. We had an argument, but… We were ne- never dating in the first place."</p><p>Kuroo makes this sound of relief. A breathy sigh, heavy on the ears. He sounds comforted.</p><p>Gosh, did he hate Hinata that much?</p><p>"I'm gay. By the way." Kuroo  mumbles, and why would he even want Kenma to know that? Like. Obviously Kenma is too, but it's weird how he seems kind of open about it.</p><p>Or maybe Kenma just isn't used to being open about something as 'tacky' as his sexuality.</p><p>God, he's weird.</p><p>That's weird.</p><p>Kenma rests his head on the bark of the tree and sighs, tightening up the strings to the hoodie and burying his head into it. What should he even talk about? Do people talk in a silence like this? Is the silence good, or bad? Neutral?</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>If only him and Hinata actually talked when they were still a thing so he would have some idea what to say.</p><p>Kuroo looks just as awkward. He's twitching, just. A little, and playing with his messy hair, braiding loose strands into little twists. He opens his mouth, then closes it again, stretching his legs far out and clacking his boots together.</p><p>Kenma would even say it's… kind of endearing. How careful he seems.</p><p>"Did you know the universe is in the shape of a human figure?" Kuroo blurts, and he raises an eyebrow at him, because what? He shakes his head in confusion a little, crossing his legs and picking at his nails. "Uh, no. Do you- Do you like space?" Kuroo kind of chuckles. "Like.. Space ? You mean space between people or-"</p><p>Kenma shakes his head again, because fuck, he needs to make himself more clear. "I mean like- space as in stars, gravity, stuff like that."</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>Kenma looks bewildered, and presses his lips into a firm line. All his facial features shift into confusion, and Kenma is a little annoyed that he seems so not-used to being listened to.</p><p>Kuroo deserves that. Being listened to. He deserves the world.</p><p>"I mean- yeah? Yeah. Thanks. So like, my favourite type of star is…"</p><p>Kenma listens along to whatever Kuroo is saying, listens to him talk about meteors and stars and rocks and alien conspiracies. He watches the way his eyes light up and how he looks ever so content and focused on such a specific subject.</p><p>And if he stares at Kuroo's lips the entire time, then that's just a coincidence.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. we're going down, down</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: for not very graphically descripted self harm(very very brief) and a panic attack. Possibly a break down.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kuroo drives him back home with something cheesy playing in the background and with the windows all the way down. He was still talking about whatever was on his mind- it seemed when you got Kuroo started, he didn't shut up. He waves Kenma off with a 'good luck', tells him to call him back so he can make sure he isn't dead.</p><p>It was probably aimed to be a joke, but honestly, Kenma wouldn't put it past himself to just drop dead at confrontation.</p><p>When Kenma gets home, for just a moment before he closes the door, it's almost like everything he needs to be worrying about is pushed to the back of his head, for just a moment. All he can think about in those few seconds is Kuroo's smile, Kuroo's laugh, Kuroo's eyebrows and neck and collarbones and hands and nose and lips. Everything was Kuroo, and he was awfully okay with that- but then reality hit him.</p><p>Like a truck.</p><p>His Mother was standing at the counter, because of course she was. She had a firm hold on a chair, and her head was hung down, almost in shame. Greasy bangs fell over her forehead, and he grimaced.</p><p>He needs to explain. Right now.</p><p>" I just.. I p-panicked and ran and lost my way home, I'm sorry , it wasn't anything bad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for w- worrying you, I'm sorry-" He keeps on mumbling, and he takes a few steps towards her. When she doesn't respond, it sends him into a spiral.</p><p>God, what if she can see straight through his lie? What if she knows already, saw the car parked out of the house? What the fuck was he thinking when he started running next to Kuroo, what was going through his fucking head?</p><p>Kenma takes a few steps back and it feels like he's whimpering, it feels like he's sagging , like his stomach has fallen right onto the floor board and all he can do is stare at it. He sucks back tears, wipes at his eyes. "I'm sorry" He says, softly, carefully, moving towards her again. She looks like she's getting smaller and smaller as he gets closer.</p><p>Smaller and smaller.</p><p>This.. This isn't about the school thing.</p><p>This is something else.</p><p>He reaches out to place a hand on her shoulder and she lolls into his chest, body limp.</p><p>What the fuck is wrong with his Mother, and why is she acting so weird?</p><p>"I'm sorry, sweetheart." She sniffles, wrapping her thin arms around his back, and he makes a sound that's a mix of confusion and worry, swallowing down nothing.</p><p>There' s silence, and he guesses he's expected to say something- anything. Ask what's wrong, what she's sorry for. Does she think that this is somehow her fault? Because Kenma is a piece of shit if he somehow got his Mum to do that.</p><p>He races around in his memories to think about anything, anything at all that might give him a hint on what she's saying, what's she's talking about.</p><p>Nothing comes.</p><p>"What do you mean, what are y- you sorry for?" He asks, and she pulls away from him. She looks nervous, ashamed. There are mascara streaks staining under her eyes, and around her chin.</p><p>"I- I couldn't say no. We would have to go to court, we would have to do so many things to keep you and this will be an opportunity for you anyway," Kenma is catching up, trying to collect her words, but nothing is clicking properly. She isn't being forward enough.</p><p>She needs to spit it the fuck out before he breaks down.</p><p>He's at a loss for words as she keeps on, not stopping for breath.</p><p>"And we don't have enough money to go to court, Kenma, I'm sorry. I couldn't.. You couldn't.. I couldn't even get you to talk to me, maybe it's better that he' s gonna have you-"</p><p>Kenma's eyebrows furrow, and tears water up in his eyes, stinging as they roll down his face. She couldn't mean that. She couldn't. There's no way she would send him with that piece of shit, she would never do that, she would never do that.</p><p>She was desperate to give him a good life. And yeah, that was understandable or whatever, he's not a dumbass. He knows he has anxiety and crippling mental health and a big sob story. He knows. He's not stupid.</p><p>But this, she wouldn't go this far, would she? Just. Handing him over just because his Father asked? She wouldn' t do that.</p><p>"Mum?" He asks, trying to prompt an answer, anything for her to say something that might be of comfort. 'Haha! Joking,' or the 'But', but it never comes. They just stand there in the middle of the kitchen and she starts sobbing, and for the first time, for the first time since he was seven, watching his Dad walk out, he feels like he can't do anything to help.</p><p>He hates that he's pitying her.</p><p>He hates that he always pities people.</p><p>"Is this to get rid of me? Is that- Is that what you want? Sending me to this fucking guy that j- just let the shit that was happening to me fucking happen and you won't even do anything about it? " He's met with a section of silence, and he laughs. It bubbles up in his throat and even with the tears that are well dried, it' s still painful looking at her.</p><p>She just turns away from him. She knows this is wrong. She knows this is wrong and all she can say is she's sorry.</p><p>She doesn't even want to try. She's too 'tired' to try.</p><p>He knows she's tired. No matter how hard she tries to hide it, she is a horrible liar. But fuck.</p><p>Is he really not even worth trying to keep?</p><p>Is being tired her only excuse? That's it? She just doesn't want to deal with it?</p><p>Kenma is trying to be angry. He's trying to be angry, he wants to be. But the further he thinks about it, she can't do anything. They're broke, they probably don't even have a lawyer, and he could choose which parent to be with, but.. If she's proven an apparent bad parent, it won't matter what he thinks.</p><p>Helpless.</p><p>They're plain fucking helpess.</p><p>She reaches out for him, but he snatches his hand away. The look she gives him nearly tempts him to open up. Let her in and let her cry on his shoulder like she just Does sometimes. Let her talk about her work and bitch about small things.</p><p>But he's… tired.</p><p>He' s tired.</p><p>He's going to bed.</p><p>"..One week. One week until he's driving to get you."</p><p>He ignores her, continuing to walk up the stairs and hearing her break down on the floor. When he's finally by himself, he slams the door behind him, and grabs one of his pillows. This is what he does, when he's so pissed out of his mind that he can barely think, and he takes a deep inhale.</p><p>But then he pauses.</p><p>Screaming into pillows won't be very good at Dad's house. Won't feel the same. He won't have the same window to look through, won' t have the same bed, or the same carpet to smash his feet on until his toes are numb.</p><p>Nothing will feel the same.</p><p>And Kenma's never openly screamed in this house before. Sure, he was home alone all the time, but he'd never done it. Maybe it's because screaming into a pillow was better. The comfort, the grabbing onto it so you can just.. Punch something other than yourself.</p><p>It was good.</p><p>But before he leaves in a week, he wants to learn how to use his fucking voice.</p><p>So he does. Kenma throws the pillow across the room, hears it hit something, and decides he doesn't fucking care what it hit. And he screams. He screams until his throat is dry and he screams until he hears his Mother crying harder downstairs, he screams until the house is shaking under his feet and he screams until he' s throwing something and he learns that it is, apparently glass, because it shatters into a million pieces.</p><p>He's glad it did.</p><p>A sob wracks through him, down to his stomach, travels down his legs and to his feet and he lets it. He lets himself fall to the floor and grabs the counter next to his bed and pushes, watching everything fall over. Watches everything shatter and break and tumble.</p><p>He grabs one of the broken blades and doesn't realize what he's doing until it's done and over.</p><p>Kenma stumbles back, and grabs his phone, clicking on Kuroo's name and bringing it to his ear.</p><p>"T-Tetsurou? Can we… Can we meet up real quick?"</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Kenma doesn't know what he was thinking when he abruptly called Kuroo, and they met out at the park next to his house. When he walks through the front door to leave thinking his Mother is asleep, he doesn't falter when they make eye contact. She looks away as he opens the door and closes it behind him.</p><p>She has no room to judge.</p><p>Now, they're on the swings. Kenma liked the swings as the kid. He liked the feeling of his stomach dropping, and how it was kinda risky, how he could fall off if he went too far. He liked the fear that pounded in his head the first time he felt gravity pull him down.</p><p>Now, he goes onto the swings for breaks. From living. From breathing. Goes onto the swings when he has nothing else better to do other than bitch and moan about how sucky his life is.</p><p>It's the first time he's had someone next to him on the swings for a while.</p><p>It's dark. Maybe two or three A.M. in the morning, but Kenma guesses he just. Couldn't wait.</p><p>He's trying to be strong for once, he's trying to suck it up, but the first little gasp he lets out unloads what feels like gallons of tears. He feels his heart pull to the bottom of his stomach, cramp there and stay.</p><p>Even though he's the one that called Kuroo out here, it feels like he has nothing to say. Break the news that he's leaving and probably forever, that their friendship won't even get a chance. He grabs at the hoodie Kuroo gave him and bites it, choking back a scream.</p><p>He's fine.</p><p>"Hey," Kuroo says, sounding so warm and so hesitant and so careful and like that one voice Kuroo uses for him and for only him. It makes him feel special. Like this care, like it's only for him. It makes Kenma crack just that much more, because he won't have this anymore.</p><p>Kuroo reaches out, holding Kenma's face in his hand and creating small patterns. It feels a little weird, because of the bumps there and and the scratches that have developed over the years, but Kenma leans into it anyway.</p><p>Kuroo has nice hands. Noted.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I- They're making me go, my Dad just fucking sh- showed up and I'm sorry that I'm leaving you I don't want to leave you I don't w- want to go but I have no choice and I'm so so so so sorry Kuroo, I- I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" Kenma is rambling at this point, and there's a bitter taste in his mouth when he realizes he sounds just like his Mother.</p><p>Kuroo catches on quicker than him, because his mouth makes an 'o' shape, and his eyebrows knit together. Kenma waits for impact. Waits to be yelled at, screamed at, maybe pushed.</p><p>This is his fault, one way or another, isn't it? If he hadn't pushed his Father away like he did when he came to visit, maybe he would be a little more light with trying to see him.</p><p>This is his fault. So he expects to be held accountable.</p><p>But it doesn't happen.</p><p>"Kenma," His head snaps up at the sound of Kuroo saying his name the way he always does. "Kenma, do you want to go?"</p><p>Kenma rapidly shakes his head. Fuck no, he doesn't, but what other options are there? He sniffles, accidently smearing his snot on the cloth of the hoodie.</p><p>Kuroo's hand drops from his cheek to grab his hand, intertwining their fingers. He squeezes lightly. Kenma does the same.</p><p>"Okay, so, like. Stuff hasn't been the best or whatever at my house, and obviously at your Dad's house it's not gonna be good. And I want us both to be safe. And I know like, the whole 'I follow where you follow' mindset is potentially 'toxic', but. We don't really have anything else to live for other than the people around us? And it's better than just. Dying." Kenma tries to read in on the 'or whatever', but he isn't given any more insight on that, so he lets it pass.</p><p>He cringes at the word 'Dad', but nods along, anyway. He understands that. For a while, his Mother was the only reason he stayed around.</p><p>He's not exactly his own first priority.</p><p>But.</p><p>What is Kuroo getting at?</p><p>"So, if you wanted to.. Maybe- Maybe we could run away together? I mean, I have so much saved up money that it's insane and we can use public transportation of course or we can steal my dads care and we can find a hotel and shit and we'd be fine, I'm sorry I shouldn't have even fucking asked-"</p><p>It clicks in Kenma's head and he feels a bubble of excitement in his chest. He doesn't know why running away sounds.. Good. Very good. Maybe it' s because he doesn't want to go with his Dad or he wants to do something dangerous for once, something risky, and yes he knows that's.. Probably not what this is going to be.</p><p>But this is the only other option. The only safe option. The only option that includes Kuroo.</p><p>He has two choices- better, but risky, or horrible, and risky.</p><p>He's choosing the latter.</p><p>"No! No, I mean, yes. Yes . Yes, I'll- I'll go. With you." Kenma answers, all quick, maybe a little too loud. He's worried if he doesn't speak loud enough ,this opportunity will vanish like Most of the opportunities he's provided does.</p><p>Or Kuroo will vanish. That's even worse. Kuroo has just settled himself into Kenma's life, just two weeks ago they met. And Kenma is.. Intrigued. More intrigued than he probably should be. And he doesn't want they've got going on, that's still so new and so fresh to finish just yet.</p><p>He wants it to stay. Wants Kuroo to stay. Even if it's not for forever. Even if its just for right now.</p><p>"O..Okay? You should go and. Pack your shit? Right now?" Kuroo has this laugh on his voice, a giggle on there, and Kenma sees a bag right next to Kuroo's swing.</p><p>He raises his eyebrows in confusion.</p><p>"Is.. Is that- have you already packed your bag?" Kenma asks, and he feels honoured. Kuroo came with a bag before he even knew what was happening. Kuroo was already planning to ask to leave with him, Kuroo wanted Kenma , Kenma fucking Kozume of all people to come with him.</p><p>It sends a warm, fluffy feeling through his chest.</p><p>"I.. Yeah. I was gonna ask you, but I guess right now this is kind of like.. Necessary. Now?" Kuroo trails, and Kenma nods along, when a realization hits him.</p><p>He would have a week. A week to see his Mum just a few times more before he leaves, but the risk that he might change his mind is too big for him. He also hasn't apologized to her.</p><p>For everything.</p><p>There's a bitter guilt in his chest, rolling around in knots, but when he thinks of what could happen if he went with his Dad, it quickly dissolves.</p><p>Hesitation is not a privilege he has right now. He'll leave her a note, pack a few quick clothes, and. They'll be gone.</p><p>They'll be gone.</p><p>Kenma doesn't care where they're going, and for the first time in a while, he wants to be impulsive. He doesn't want to think, he doesn't want to feel, he wants to chase after the voice in his head that's pushing him to follow it.</p><p>He won't pack many clothes. Three outfits, one that's pajamas, and he leaves his phone. Write a quick note, leave it at the table. Leave.</p><p>"Okay. M-My house?" It comes out breathy and warm because holy shit holy shit holy shit, they're actually doing this.</p><p>Kuroo stands up.</p><p>"Okay. Then let's get it moving, Kenma."</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>Kuroo is waiting around the block when Kenma comes back into the house. His Mother is finally asleep, lazily flopped across the couch, with slobber dripping from her mouth.</p><p>There's a bottle of wine on the coffee table, and he makes sure to avoid all the creaks in the wood when he passes it by. As he walks up the stairs, he takes in all the cracked frames of pictures that sit there. In one, it has Mum, him, and Dad all in one picture. She has one arm wrapped around Kenma, a hand rested on his head.</p><p>His Dad's face has been drawn all over.</p><p>He remembers when he was a child and realized he was gone, he grabbed a red marker (It was his favourite colour, or at least that's what he told Kuroo.) And drew all over his face. Let the ink run and even poked a few holes through.</p><p>Kenma pauses, for just a moment, and takes the picture frame off the wall. He walks up the stairs, and closes the door behind him.</p><p>In his room, he sees the moonlight shine in through his window, and blinks in confusion at it. Moonlight had never looked so pretty in his room before.</p><p>His phone is on the bed, looks like it was lazily thrown onto the bed with how tangled it is in the sheets. He passes it by, grabbing exactly what he thought he would and stuffing it into his book bag. a few shirts, three pairs of pants, and pajama clothes.</p><p>He looks over to his pillow and sees his childhood stuffy that he'll never admit he still cuddles with, Elle. Kenma remembers pressing Elle The Elephant to his chest when the fighting got too loud and breathing in, out, in, out, until he fell asleep.</p><p>Hesitantly, he grabs the stuffy and stuffs it into his bag.</p><p>Kenma looks up to the ceiling, and sees the sixteen glow up stars scattered across it that he still counts. A few have fallen, since they were taped on, but sixteen  became his lucky number.</p><p> The 16th of October was the day of his birthday.</p><p>Sixteen.</p><p>He turns to his desk and grabs a piece of paper, not bothering to sit down. He needs to get this moving.</p><p>Kenma's hand stills over the piece of paper, and he decides to just let it happen. Let the words flow out. Let himself not think for a moment, to get it over with.</p><p>Which was not helpful. Kenma is always thinking.</p><p>I'm sorry.</p><p>No, he has nothing big to apologize for. Well. Maybe he does? Maybe he's just not thinking about it enough, maybe this is wrong. She thinks he'll be safe there. What if he made up all the shit that happened when he was with his Dad for those five months?</p><p>What if?</p><p>This isn't your fault.</p><p>I'm sorry that I have to leave, but I really don't have any other choice. I know you want to believe that I'll be safe there, but I won't be. I'll be safer where I'm going.</p><p>I'll contact you when I'm sure I'm safe. I love you.</p><p>-Kenma</p><p>That's good. Nice and short, small, reassuring. It's good.</p><p>This is good.</p><p>He takes a deep breath, and turns around, leaving the paper there on his desk.</p><p>He throws the bag over his back and tip toes back out the room. Kenma already has money, so he doesn't bother taking any.</p><p>Thoughts spill into his head. What if you run out? What if there's not enough? What if his parents don't even deserve to get stolen from?</p><p>But Kenma puts those thoughts aside.</p><p>She needs that money.</p><p>Kenma slips down the stairs, and when he looks to his Mum, she's staring right back at him. Right through him. She knows, he's positive that she knows, because she always knows. She doesn't catch on on the big things, but on the small, she does.</p><p>Could he consider this a small thing, though?</p><p> She's on her side, still in her work clothes and hair crowning her face. Deep, dark circles shape her eyes, and he shivers.</p><p>He can't hold eye contact for much longer.</p><p>But then her eyes flicker back closed, and he lets out a breath of relief, turning and opening the door.</p><p>He always hated the dark.</p><p>He locks the door behind him, and realizes he still has the key. He probably shouldn't have that, right? This isn't his house anymore. This isn't home. He swallows and wearily slips the key into his back pocket, following the street lights and grinning just a little when he sees Kuroo standing next to a street light.</p><p>Just in case.</p><p>He holds on tight to the key, and with every step he takes closer, he moves just a little bit faster.</p><p>Just in case.</p><p>Just in case he needs to get back, just in case.</p><p>Just in case.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Things are finally getting started! Yayy! Also my twitter is @hahatobiobrrr i think im going to be posting more on there so follow me if you want :) or not, thats okay too but thank you for reading !</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. We'll laugh until our ribs get sore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A big smile was on the ravenette's face the second Kenma came in to view. Kenma inhaled sharply, placing his hand over his racing heart.</p><p>"Are we really doing this?" the smaller boy asks.</p><p>Before he received a verbal answer, the taller boy suddenly bends his back. Leaning over, he presses his soft lips on Kenmas forehead. It stays like that for a few second before he pulls away.</p><p>"Its okay Kenma, I have it all figured out. We're together so nothing bad can happen".</p><p>Kenma gives him a soft smile in response. Wow, they were really doing this. Kuroo pulled out a medical mask and one of his hoodies, handing them to Kenma before putting his own mask on.</p><p>"Can't let people see us, right?" </p><p>"Right."</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Kenma takes a deep breath, and it's the first-breath-in-the-morning- type breath. He's wrapped up in something warm, something good, something safe, and there's this weird misty feel to the air. As his eyes flutter open, all his senses punch in.</p><p>A head is pressed against his shoulder.</p><p>Which he doesn't mind. Him and the person that's so snuggly pressed against his shoulder are sharing a red blanket, that's soft and warm. Kenma looks around the bus, and there are only a few faces. A man with a long, outgrown beard snoring away with a newspaper on his lap. A young woman with her legs crossed and sunglasses covering up her eyes.</p><p>He would look further down the line, but he's too sleepy to try, so he lets out a soft hum. Everything is still.</p><p>All he knows is Kuroo's sharp jaw against his shoulders and this cold seat and this warm blanket.</p><p>He could stay here, on this bus, for ever and ever and ever.</p><p>But then it abruptly stops, and it shakes everyone in it so hard that even Kuroo startles up, wiping at his eyes and yawning.</p><p>" Please exit the train for …" Goes the speaker, and both Kuroo and him jump up at the sound, grabbing their bags and hopping out of the bus. The red blanket is nearly left behind when Kenma grabs onto it, and he lets out a sigh of relief when it doesn't get caught in the doors.</p><p>Kenma looks to Kuroo, and he looks right back. They're on a sidewalk while rain patters down so softly on the concrete, and suddenly Kuroo just. Starts laughing.</p><p>It's not like Kenma minds it, not at all. A laughing Kuroo is a pretty fucking rare Kuroo, and he takes it in when he can get it. Kuroo's skin is a pretty shade of pale with a rosy glow draped right over his nose, and it's so pretty Kenma might just. Die here looking at him.</p><p>Kenma feels like he's melting, while he's looking at Kuroo. He feels like he's just shrinking and shrinking and shrinking until he's nothing more than goop on the floor.</p><p>Kuroo notices Kenma's confusion and it seems it only makes him laugh harder. "I'm sorry I just, Holy shit." Kuroo looks at him with big eyes and lifted eyebrows, another look that has been crafted Only for Kenma.</p><p>Kenma smiles in response because he just can't help it when Kuroo is looking at him like that, and he feels all warm and fuzzy and terribly deep in something with Kuroo though he can't put his finger on it. There's something there.</p><p>"I mean. We . Totally just did that, dude, oh my  god." Kenma nods along, and takes into note how Kuroo's hair is even more messy than before, how there are these little strands that are just.. The slightest tint of bright purple.</p><p>Hidden colour. Hidden under the dark strands of ebony, crowning his face and making him look sharp, poky, under all that, are light, pretty strands of bright purple.</p><p>Hidden right under the surface.</p><p>"A- You brought a blanket?" Kenma asks, because it's a very Kuroo thing to do, but Kuroo just smiles in response, so bright, so pretty, so open. Kuroo nods and only shrivels in more into his scarf.</p><p>They stand there in silence, not quite knowing what to do with themselves. Kuroo is catching his breath, and Kenma is admiring for just a little too long.</p><p>Even though he wants to question the warm feeling in his chest, he puts it aside.</p><p>This is a friendship.</p><p>They're just friends.</p><p>Kenma kind of giggles just a little more, because just looking at him gives him an unnecessary amount of happiness, when suddenly Kuroo grabs his hand and tugs, running with him against the cold air when he sees the building that they are apparently staying at.</p><p>"Onward!" Kuroo points, all through his heavy laughter, and Kenma laughs right with him.</p><p>His scarf is slowly loosening around his neck, and their mitten hands are pressed together and warm and the morning mist is still so cold, biting at their skin, but there's an odd balance with the out of breath feeling that's tugging on him.</p><p>Kuroo looks so happy. Kenma never thought someone, (especially with Kuroo's problems,) could look so fucking light and delicate before. It scares him, how expressive Kuroo is.</p><p>But it's in a good way.</p><p>In a very good way.</p><p>The town streets are empty and he can barely see anyone except just a few people that give them strange, contained looks. As they pass, the whole world slips away. Everything is gone.</p><p>It's only them.</p><p>Only them running through these streets, only them with their heavy breathing and their scarves wrapped tight around their faces, hand in hand.</p><p>Only them.</p><p>Sooner or later, Kuroo slows down, but his hand is still connected to his. He's too scared to bring it up, too scared that he'll leave, too scared that maybe he's not supposed to say anything.</p><p>So he doesn't.</p><p>Kuroo stops right before a hotel, their hotel, and turns to him with that same welcoming grin.</p><p>It's only them.</p><p>It's only them.</p><p>It's only them.</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>When they did enter the hotel, Kenma was making a very good impression on a tomato when the employee looked at him and rolled his eyes, setting on Kuroo as she just. Talked to him and completely ignored Kenma, which, okay, understandable, he could barely complete a sentence without cowering under her stare, but it still stung.</p><p>When Kuroo gets the keys placed in his hand and starts walking to the elevator, Kenma is quick to scurry right behind him, because fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck -</p><p>"You good?" Kuroo asks, just a mumble of concern in his voice, and he nods in response, swallowing down any type of hesitance he could possibly give off. Kuroo is still holding his hand, and he squeezes, offering Kenma a reassuring smile.</p><p>He smiles back.</p><p>The elevator starts to go up, and Kuroo yawns, everything feeling slow and steady and warm. His eyes are heavy, and his arms are heavy, and everything is heavy. Kuroo leans onto his arm and huffs out a breath as they reach the third floor.</p><p>All that excitement and speed and running has dragged all the energy out of them and he doesn't really react with other than a little movement of jazz hands with Kuroo when they open the door. They drop onto the couch and a collective sigh hangs in the air.</p><p>They're safe.</p><p>They've made it.</p><p>It doesn't feel as weird as it should. Maybe it's because it hasn't sat into his head yet that he's here and safe with Kuroo, and that they need to start looking for tiny jobs, or that grocery shopping would probably be the best option right now, but nothing matters more than Kuroo. It's just them in this little hotel room, the curtains spread wide.</p><p>"Can I get a-" Kuroo pauses for a moment as he struggles to raise his hands, all the while giggling through it, and it makes Kenma giggle right back. "Owa owa?"</p><p>"Owa Owa." Kenma responds, plainly. And he lets himself rest against the couch, the rubbery, cold couch. They should probably move to the bed.</p><p>But when Kenma tries to move, he discovers that his limbs have, apparently, given up on him.</p><p>So he gives up.</p><p>He doesn't pull away when Kuroo's warm chin is shoved neatly into his neck, when his legs wrap around him, skinny and thin and bendable. Spider legs. There's a content hum against his neck, and he hums back. It's their own language.</p><p>Kenma's head is empty and the only thing he can think about is Kuroo, Kuroo, Kuroo. He doesn't panic, and he doesn't feel scared, anymore. This is safe. Kuroo is safe.</p><p>Kuroo is safe.</p><p>"Sleep?" Mumbles Kuroo, right into his ear, and Kenma makes a sound that complies to the sound of agreement. "Mhm," He responds, eyelashes fluttering against Kuroo's shoulder.</p><p>Kuroo is safe.</p><p>And he's sure of it.</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>When Kenma wakes up, for just a moment, he doesn't know where he is. The roof looks different from his old home,(or his Mother's house,) and the air feels clean and new and fresh. The air at his old house was… full. Stuffy. Just enough to comfort him.</p><p>Kuroo is still wrapped around him on the couch, and they both probably smell, they both probably stink , actually, but he ignores it, sliding Kuroo off of him.</p><p>Which was a hard thing to do.</p><p>Kuroo was warm . Bendy. Like a portable heater.</p><p>The bed is in the other room. It's a one bedroom, but it's not like they've never shared a bed before. He sits up, and Kuroo sits up with him, hair all messy and sticking this way and that. He looks at him, sleepy smile spread across his face, looking all warm and..</p><p>Gorgeous.</p><p>Kuroo is gorgeous.</p><p>And Kenma already knew he liked looking at him, liked taking in all his features because he was scared he might forget them. But Kuroo is..</p><p>Wow.</p><p>Just. Wow.</p><p>Before he can really stop the words from leaving his mouth, they just. Slip out. And it feels nice, to let it.</p><p>"You're so pretty." Kuroo's eyes widen in surprise, like he's having a hard time believing, and there's just. This tint of pink, right on his nose and a little on his cheeks. He looks flustered.</p><p>Flustered is a really nice look on Kuroo.</p><p>"I mean. You too?" He's trying to switch this conversation off of him. Which is totally unfair, so unfair, because he says everything like he's just so sure and so proud of what he says. Like it's true.</p><p>Kuroo is a good liar, apparently.</p><p>"Shut.. Shut up." Kenma says, lazily, because words are hard when he's looking at him like that. Looking at him so.. so..</p><p>Kenma doesn't know what Kuroo is looking at him like but it's got him all blushy. It's frustrating for someone to have an affect on him like this.</p><p>But then the moment is broken when his eyes tear away and to the floor, and he gets up, brushing off his jeans. Kenma follows behind him, sliding his shoes back on.</p><p>"We should like.. Go to the grocery store. Get the normal stuff. Milk, cereal, bread. An appropriate amount of sweets-" He grabs a wallet. Supposedly, said wallet has money in it. "We have enough money to last us like.. Two weeks, but we should still start looking for jobs this week. There's a store across the street."</p><p>Kenma nods along, thinking about how much planning this must have taken, how much time it must have taken.</p><p>If Kuroo succeeded in committing, where would Kenma be right now?</p><p>He pushes the thought to the back of his head. He doesn't want to think about that right now.</p><p>Kuroo is here.</p><p>And Kenma is, too. And this- this is better than dying. Having someone to live for is better than dying.</p><p>"You ready?"</p><p>"Yeah. Let's- Let's go."</p><p>____________________________________________</p><p>It's really cold outside.</p><p>That's the first thing Kenma notices, how cold it is. It's fucking freezing, and he's glad he still has Kuroo's jacket on him, or he would be freezing.</p><p>Kuroo doesn't seem very affected by it. He just crosses his arms and huffs out a little air, chapped lips a terrible red colour.</p><p>When they enter the store, it's a little more warm. There's a quiet hum around it, and it's a bit empty, maybe twenty customers inside.</p><p>As Kuroo looks around, an idea pops into his head, and he gives Kenma this grin. A mischievous grin.</p><p>Kenma looks at him with an eyebrow raised, slightly confused. "What?"</p><p>Kuroo pulls a cart from the side and sets it infront of him. "I dare you to get in this cart." Kenma snickers at him like he's joking, rolling his eyes, and when he looks back seeing Kuroo's little smirk not fading, his face drops.</p><p>"You have to be kidding me."</p><p>"Hm. Guess you just don't have the balls to do it." Kuroo mumbles, pretending to pick at his nails in dis interest, in boredom , and he feels himself well up in pride when Kenma struggles into the cart and settles himself in.</p><p>"I'm not a pussy." Kenma says, flicking him off, and Kuroo only hums non committedly in response, big, cocky grin spread across his face.</p><p>An embarrassed Kenma is a Cute Kenma, Kuroo thinks to himself.</p><p>Kuroo grabs a hold onto the handles and pushes , running the cart around the corner and speeding into a column.</p><p>Kenma is going insane in it, grabbing onto the cart for dear life, and Kuroo just cackles more because it's so hilarious, how he's reacting.</p><p>"Kuroo! I swear if we get kicked out this store I'm going to beat the literal -" Kuroo  has promptly responded with only moving faster.</p><p>In a little, Kenma is erupting into obnoxiously loud laughter, head all thrown back as he grabs random things off the counters and stuffs them into the cart. pocky sticks, pancakes, cereal, a few microwaveable dinners- all shit that they will probably need.</p><p>As Kuroo runs around, he grabs a few things too, and then their turning around and going to the counter.</p><p>"Tetsurou. Stop I have to get out of the cart-" Kenma says, through laughter, and he replies with a cheeky smile as they pull right next to the cashier.</p><p>She looks tired, maybe a little confused, as Kuroo picks up the groceries from the cart and slowly Kenma appears more and more, still inside the cart. But the only hint she gives that she saw him is a polite nod in his direction.</p><p>The groceries are bagged and set into the cart. Kuroo goes back to driving him out the store, and they're walking up straight to the hotel, right in the middle of the street.</p><p>They bring in the groceries, and thankfully, it was just enough that they could take all of it first trip. When they were back in the room, it took them awhile to get everything in the cabinets and the fridge.</p><p>By the time they were done, Kenma's hands were freezing cold and red from all the cold stuff they got.</p><p>He fell back onto the sofa and let out a deep huff.</p><p>What a long day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>you don't know how badly I want to run away with someone and do this. Also, Bokuto may be making an appearance next few chapters ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. All we see is sky for forever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Y'know i saw some flyers saying that the thrift store in town was looking for some employees, we could get jobs there and ask to work the same shifts. Why not? Its somewhere warm to hang out, plus we'll get paid and we do need some more money." Kuroo smiled</p><p>"Hmm.." Kenma replied hesitantly.</p><p>"You'd never be there alone and you wouldn't have to deal with the customers- there's WiFi and I'm pretty sure its not usually busy. The woman seems nice, she'll probably be laid back"</p><p>"I guess... we should talk to the owner first though" </p><p>The thought of getting a job- one involving interacting with the public- made Kenma itch; but Kuroo had a point. They were running low on cash and they certainly needed it after buying a bunch of junk at the store. Maybe its worth it- just to be prepared in case anything happens in the future.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>The old woman stood with a wide smile as the two teenagers stood in front of her.</p><p>"Of course! We can work out a router, I can work daytime and you can work after school, sound good?"</p><p>Oh.. Kenma had completely forgotten about school. </p><p>"Perfect!" Kuroo smiled.</p><p>Kuroo usually did all the talking when they went out. People were not Kenmas forte.</p><p>This place is very cluttered, Kenma noted.</p><p>Clothes were bunched up together along railings only to be surrounded by wall displays and hanging antiques or covered by random objects balanced strangely upon each other.</p><p>The older lady showed them the basics of the till, promising to let one of them take a turn when the next customer comes in. It didn't seem that hard.</p><p>"Here's the back room, the toilet is just here. And about your pay.. since this business isn't exactly booming you'll be paid around 671 yen per hour. Its not much but the work isn't much and you can make yourselves comfortable"</p><p>Kuroo waved off her worries with a grin. They continued talking, exchanging numbers and chattering about how to handle different customers and deliveries. Meanwhile, Kenma wandered off, examining the objects around the store.</p><p>So many strange things....</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>It was now late at night- they decided to go back to the hotel</p><p>Kuroo wasn't lying a few days ago when he said the hotel wasn't anything fancy, it was only temporary.</p><p>It was almost endearing in a way- these sort of run down, well loved places that have walls that have seen more than Kenma could ever imagine.</p><p>Next to the reception there were some badly lit stairs with gaudy, cracked paint across the walls. Everything seemed glossy, and if it wasn't glossy it was thick and covered in cakey brush strokes. Kenma grazed his hand along the wall as they walked through the hotel and grimaced at the texture.</p><p>Cheap.</p><p>By now, it was almost 9:30pm and dark outside.</p><p>"I'm bored" Kenma complained, swinging his legs on the slightly uncomfortable couch.</p><p>"Wanna take a walk?" Kuroo suggested,  Kenma liftes his head, looking up at the taller male. Stars reflecting in their eyes, he blinked and smiled, Kuroo stared intently as a flash of light circled around his irises.</p><p>"I'd love that."</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Wind greeted them as they stepped out of the hotel, fresh air soothing their lungs, holding hands to muster the little heat they have, Kenma's legs were exposed to the air under his shorts as he tugged on the sleeves of his hoodie, Kuroo wrapped his arms around the shorter boy, his chin resting on the top of his head.</p><p>Their eyes were fixed on the tiny white spots across the sky that loomed over them, it felt like nothing had mattered, just the two of them, together and free. He smiles quietly, anticipation bubbling in his heart. Sure, it is going to be rough from the start, but he was sure that everything will be fine, and everything would work out if they do their best and try their hardest.</p><p>"Let's sit down," Kenma raised his chin as he said to Kuroo, Kuroo answered with a nod, following Kenma to sit on the ground with sand and rocks. Kenma leaned back, his back pressed against Kuroo's chest, feeling each other's breaths as their chests rise and fall, one's head against another's shoulder, with the other nuzzling into the other's hair.</p><p>"Do you ever wonder about the universe?" Kenma speaks softly, relaxing behind the arms that were resting on his torso. "Hm, I think so," Kuroo said, his gaze soon became curious, even if they saw the stars in front of them, they can never see beyond it, the milky way they saw in books, the hundreds of stars and meteorites, thousands of universes and planets as stated in the videos they watched.</p><p>"It's really amazing, huh," Kuroo spoke with a smile, his hands reaching for Kenma's. "We are so, so tiny," his gaze shifted from their hands to the sky, indescribable feelings swimming in his heart and mind, "There are so many people, there are so many things we have yet to see, so many things we haven't done," "It's kinda scary, that we are missing out on so many things, and that we might never find the true happiness, you know what they say, uh, talent?" Kenma was, quite, overwhelmed, the thoughts settled in his mind, he didn't know what to say, he didn't know how to react, he was just thinking, pondering until Kuroo spoke again, "Do you get it?" He moved again, a smile on his lips as he twisted his body, before sitting cross-legged in front of Kenma.</p><p>"Probably not… No one ever knows, but these thoughts had caused a ruckus at the back of my head," Kenma scratched the back of his head, giggling weakly. Kuroo's lips parted, his tongue tasted the chill of the air as he sucked in a small breath. "It's just really scary when I think about it.." His gaze fell to the ground, dark hair ruffling in the wind as he rubbed his palms up and down his leg.</p><p>"So, I'm really happy you're here, Kenma," he beamed, the air fell silent, but his smile never dropped, he only reached for his hand, which Kuroo squeezed gently when they were in contact with each other. "That out of everywhere on the earth, you are here with me, and you don't know how grateful I am for that." Kuroo stroked his thumb on the back of Kenma's hand, his face flushed under the cold night, while his heart starts to pick up a quicker pace.</p><p>Kuroo exhaled, his left hand reached for Kenma's face, his fingers were cold as he brushed his cheek, Kenma jolted slightly, a shaky breath escaped his lips while he tightened his grip on Kuroo's hand. "Me too," Kuroo leaned closer, their foreheads touched, his hand on the back of Kenma's head, who stared into his metallic brown eyes. "Out of everywhere in the world, I'd rather be by your side," he whispered again before tilting his head, closing their eyes, their lips touch for the first time.</p><p>Peaceful and quiet, their heartbeats were fast, but they felt relieved, they felt safe and happy as they kissed, their fingers were laced together tightly, holding onto each other dearly, wishing that out of everywhere in the universe, they just want to be at each other's side, and never part.</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Kuroo laid his head on their bag as Kenma laid next to him, one hand on Kuroo's chest, the other folded between the space of their bodies. Kuroo had an arm under Kenma, clutching at the fabric on his waist, with his other hand resting on his stomach.</p><p>"No one will find us, right?" Kenma whispered, insecurity nudging his sleepy mind, Kuroo blinked, his fingers played with Kenma's hair near the nape of his neck and he huffed a chuckle, "Yeah, we will find a new place and get out of that stupid, stuffy hotel room," he lets out a long sigh, lips curving into a smile, "We could live our new life, and no one will know."</p><p>"Yeah," Kenma snuggled closer, mumbling as he grasped at Kuroo's hoodie before letting go, silence washed over the house in a comfortable way as he finally fell asleep. Kuroo listened to their own quiet breathing, the thin blanket under him ended right under his knees, sand poked at his calf, but he was too exhausted to care. His half-lidded eyes caused the stars to look blurry, stretching into straight lines before everything turned into black as he drifted off.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey guys! I made a tiktok account, the name is meowakari just like this one :) This fic has only be uploaded for 2 days but thank you for the support so far!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Taken by the sky</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song mentioned in this is called Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac, I recommend listening to it when the time comes, for the full experience. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kuroo squinted his eyes at the brightness, then he shifted his gaze onto the pressure on his thigh.</p><p>His heart leaped to his throat when he saw Kenma's head in his lap, his chest heaving and falling slowly, his dark hair was falling into his face, curling messily. Kuroo swallowed the dryness in his throat, he tucked a strand of hair behind Kenma's ear, revealing his features. His face grew warm as he combed his fingers through his dark locks, straightening it and brushing it away from his face.</p><p>He inhaled and looked around, they accidentally fell asleep on the beach, but Kuroo didn't mind. He felt like the dirt of their past was left behind with the town that they had left, leaving them a clear sky, a chance to start over.</p><p>"Let's find our home, Kenma." Kuroo whispered softly while stroking Kenma's head. The smaller boy stirred in his lap, slowly waking up and peeking at Kuroo through his thick eyelashes. He rubbed his eyes and grumbled </p><p>"What time is it?"</p><p>"I don't know, we fell asleep last night and my phone died.."</p><p>Kenma's hair was ruffled messily by the wind, he held onto Kuroo's slightly bigger hand.</p><p>Hands seemed like the only source of warmth for them both out here. That, and Kuroo's hoodie that was draped over Kenma's small frame.</p><p>"We should go back to the hotel" Kuroo blurted, interrupting the comfortable silence that they had slipped into.</p><p>"Okay," Kenma hummed in response "Just five more minutes."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>For the first few days, Kuroo's phone buzzed with messages from teammates. All left ignored with him only giving the vice-captain a vague explanation of the incidents that led up to this outcome. After a while the texts decreased before they came to a full stop. Silence. Kuroo looked back at the messages of assurance and support from his friends, oblivious to his current situation. Kuroo often wondered if the team had forgotten about him, or perhaps gave up on him. They didn't really need him, right? It seemed likely in his logic, but Kenma always told him otherwise, and as blunt as he can be, Kenma had a proclivity to be right. Eventually he was proved right yet again, with Kuroo receiving a text from one Bokuto Koutarou.</p><p>"Hey Kuro, I don’t know much about why you disappeared but I have a hunch that you and Kenma might need a place to stay. My grandpa owns a vacation house that he never uses not far from Tokyo and if you need, I can ask him to let you stay there. You don’t have to tell me much if you don't want but, I’m here for you guys. Just send me a text."</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>It's been a week since that night at the beach, and they decided to take Bokuto up on his offer. They couldn't stay in that hotel room forever so, why not?</p><p>Their bags were on the couch while Kuroo entered the small closet, gathering all their belongings and packing them neatly into the bags. Kenma was sat on the edge of the bed, swinging his legs and counting the money they had earnt from their job at the thrift store</p><p>"How much is it?" Kuroo shouted out from the closet.</p><p>"35,877 yen" Kenma replied </p><p>(This is about £250 or $340)</p><p>Kuroo finished packing the backpacks with the possessions and handed the smaller bag to Kenma.</p><p>“Is this everything?”</p><p>“Everything that's necessary.”</p><p>The younger looked over to the bag that rested on Kuroo's shoulder.</p><p>“That everything too?”</p><p>“Mhm.”</p><p>“Well then, let's get out of here.” Kuroo states, grabbing Kenma's hand and leading them out of the hotel.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Golden grains blurred in the movement along the secluded concrete. A breath let out. Kuroo's pinky creeped along the matted velvet of the seats and entangled itself with Kenma's. Another breath. The younger boy turned his attention from the window to the boy next to him. Kuroo's concentration was only on the distance ahead, the only hint of another underlying focus in their interlocked fingers. The car shuffled. The road obviously was used less than none, only allowing way to those whose options are slender. He wiggled in his seat, legs restless from hours of unuse became fuzzy. The ravenette wasn’t doing much better, he could tell.</p><p>“30 more minutes.” Kuroo spoke</p><p>“30 more.” Kenma nodded in acknowledgement. "Where are we going anyway?"</p><p>"Well," Kuroo exhaled before speaking again "Once we get to the train station, we hop on a train, Bokuto will meet us there and then he's giving us the key to his Grandpa's vacation house or something. We can stay as long as we need"</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Music played on the radio filling the quietude that often occurred. Another Fleetwood Mac song, Rhiannon to be specific. Kuroo tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in sync with the tune as Kenma hummed in occasion. </p><p>'Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night</p><p>And wouldn't you love to love her?</p><p>Takes to the sky like a bird in flight</p><p>And who will be her lover?'</p><p>Distant thoughts returned as he looked at Kenma, his figure beautiful as ever and a slight smile peeked on his face even in these circumstances. Kuroo admired him for that, his perseverance. He knew that Kenma was struggling just as much as him, probably more knowing him and his anxious tendencies, yet the younger always keeps a content look on his face. He wonders what it would take to ruin that, what would happen, and he vows to make sure that never becomes a reality even if his life depends on it.</p><p> Kenma Kozume is a precious gemstone that never deserved to receive the dents and scuffs it holds, but for the life of him Tetsurou Kuroo will never let it be shattered.</p><p>'All your life you've never seen</p><p>Woman taken by the wind</p><p>Would you stay if she promised you heaven?</p><p>Will you ever win?'</p><p>"Kenma, we're here now."</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Kenma drank the hot tea from his thermos, heat spread through his mouth, making his cheeks redden. "Is it good?" His small lips curved into a small smile and turned towards the source of the voice, "Mhm," Kenma hummed and offered the cup to Kuroo, "Thank you," Kuroo's voice was quiet, his fingers brushed against Kuroo's as he accepted the cup, he blew a breath into it to cool the liquid before taking a small sip.</p><p>"It's really good!" Kuroo chirped, taking another sip before passing it back to Kenma. "I'm glad," Kenma finished the drink, releasing a long sigh as the hot liquid warmed his body. He closed the thermos and put it back into the side pocket of the bag. He sank into the seat and the jacket that Kuroo had wrapped him in, the sleeves were slightly longer, but he liked that it made him feel safe.</p><p>Kuroo wore a red and black T-shirt, the one he wore when he played volleyball with his friends.</p><p>Kenma frowned at the memory, he looked up at him before asking in a hushed tone, "Won't you miss your friends?" Kuroo thought for a second, but he flashed a confident grin and patted Kenma head affectionately. "Nope, not really, there's nowhere I'd rather be other than by your side. Besides... "</p><p>"What am I  without you, Kenma?"</p><p>Kenma lowered his head at the comment, Kuroo stared at the latter, noticing his red cheeks. He smiled and sat closer, tucking Kenma's hair behind his ear as they looked out the window.</p><p>"Yourself" Kenma mumbled in response, without Kuroo hearing.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Kuroo is sound asleep against Kenma's shoulder.</p><p>Kenma inspected the interior of the train.</p><p>Their bags were either in their lap or at the empty seat in front of them, above them were the chilling air conditioner. They are sitting at the end of the train with a door that leads to the caboose, it's probably warm and windy out there.</p><p>The train is pretty empty, so mostly everyone had an empty seat in front of them.</p><p>Kenma leaned his head against Kuroo's, his gaze drifting out of the window.</p><p>The weather's nice.</p><p>He wants a new home with a garden for them to share.</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>"Kuro" Kenma called, poking at his face.</p><p>Kuroo threw a glare at him, he rubbed his eyes and grumbled, "What? I'm sleep deprived y'know."</p><p> "So was I! Be careful or you're gonna fall off the seat," Kenma babbled, crossing his arms as he watched Kuroo yawn into his hand. "The train stopped, we're here."</p><p>"Already?"</p><p>"Already. You slept through most of it."</p><p>"Well lets go then, Bokuto's waiting for us."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. From the very first time we loved</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is the shortest chapter so far but i'm writing this at 1am and i cant wait to post it because its so cute &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"HEY HEY HEYYY!!" Bokutos voice boomed throughout the station as he frantically waved at Kuroo and Kenma</p><p>"BRO!" Kuroo shouted back at him</p><p>"BROOOO!" Bokuto replied</p><p>Kenma nervously looked around, he noted that they were gathering quite a few stares because of the stupidly loud idiots screaming "BRO!" repeatedly at each other. After a few minutes of this, Bokuto finally handed over the keys and they were ready to leave. Unbeknownst to Kenma, they were also going to be driving Bokuto's car.</p><p>Kenma had never actually met Bokuto before, sure he had heard of him but that was very different to real life. He was much more.. well.. much more Bokuto than he was expecting. </p><p>Nonetheless, he was grateful for an actual house to stay in. The hotel room started to become boring, and stuffy. Wayyyy too stuffy.</p><p>"Are you ready?" Kuroo asks</p><p>"Always."</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Kenma looked out of the window as Bokuto's car zoomed down the road. He watched the grass of the yellow field sway in the wind, the view glides in and out. Occasionally, their car would bump on small rocks, as a song plays quietly in the background, He breathes as he closes his eyes. He was a little upset that they were just accepting all of this help but hey, it was better than walking.</p><p>The sky was clear with white clouds, he lays into the soft cotton seat, the cold air from the air conditioner fills his lungs, the noise of the engines and wind against the car rings at his ears, the warmth of the sun rests on his hands, the scent of the perfume enters his nose. He was tired, they had been travelling for hours.</p><p>"Get some rest, Kenma. It's been tough."</p><p>That was what Kuroo had said before they end up traveling down this road, they have no idea where they are going, the only directions they have are from an old map.</p><p>But they know, they are running away from what they called "home".</p><p>Kuroo holds his cold hand, his eyes focused on the road that seemed like it had no end. He was afraid (not that he would EVER let Kenma know that) but as long as he can hold Kenma close, he felt like they'd be alright. Kuroo gazes at the male who was soundly asleep, his head lays against the window, his two toned hair, his pale cheeks and eyelashes glinted in the sun. The blue sky and yellow field drew a line in a distance, Kenma breaths so softly, his expression was relaxed, something Kuroo rarely sees. He picked out his phone, capturing a picture of him.</p><p>"Kenma," he calls out gently, stuffing his phone in his pockets, he reached for Kenma's hand, squeezing his cold fingers. The younger male only blinked, rubbing his eyes and cheeks. Sunlight shines onto his lap, how long has he slept? It didn't felt long. He turned his head, meeting Kuroo who was sitting in the driver's seat. "Kur-" He coughed, clearing his throat that was sore, "Kuroo," he says his name so softly with a smile so angelic and free of worries.</p><p>Kuroo smiles and cupped Kenma's face with his palms. Kenma inhales, his face burns as he listens to his heart beat at his chest. Kuroo brushed his thumbs over Kenma's flushed cheeks. He exhales, relaxing against Kuroo's touch.</p><p>It was just them two. On the road.</p><p>The drive to the vacation house was about forty-five minutes from the train station, giving the two boys time to chat about anything on the earths surface. Kuroo sung along horribly to shitty pop music on the radio that crackled every now and then and Kenma laughed at him.</p><p>It was liberating to Kenma when he stuck his head out of the car window when they were racing down the highway. He whooped every time Kuroo sped up. He wasn't used to feeling like this, feeling so free. Before, he felt so trapped and suffocated but it was different now,</p><p>he could breathe again.</p><p>A wave of warm air greets his face, his hair was blown back. The chill he had gotten from the air conditioner was replaced with the warmth of the humid air of an upcoming summer.</p><p>He stretches his arms, Kuroo watches him smile so hopefully, his eyes filled with joy and expectation. He couldn't help but to have a laugh bubble out of him every time the blonde hollered in excitement (which was very out of character for Kenma, if you weren't aware). Kuroo tapped against the steering wheel with an open palm along with the song. The energy coursing through the car would've made Kuroo's hair stand up even more if it was true electricity.</p><p>When they pulled up to the house, Kenma retreated his head back into the car. His hair was a wild mess, so Kuroo reached out a hand to smooth the blonde and brunet locks. Subconsciously, Kenma leaned into his hand like a kitten.</p><p>Kuroo's hand migrated down to Kenma's cheek and cupped it tenderly. He sighed softly before grabbing Kuroo's hand and intertwining their fingers.</p><p>Their relationship was weird. They were friends, sure, but they acted more than that. They definitely had feelings for each other, but they didn't bring that up. But if they did bring it up, what would they do after that? Friends kiss sometimes, right?</p><p>It didn't take long before Kuroo leaned in to press a gentle kiss to Kenma's chapped lips. It was short and sweet. He leaned back with a small smile before turning to get out the car.</p><p>Kenma's heart was thrumming so hard he thought it would hop out of his chest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know its short but i just couldn't wait to post it! Next chapter will be longer :) Thank you for your support so far! You're all so kind and it really makes me happy! my tiktok is @meowakari and twitter is @hahatobiobrrr  &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. I'm not okay (I promise)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Panic attack, self-mutilation, dissociation , bile, vomiting, general pain<br/>Wow this is quite the chapter..</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The cottage looked as if it was straight out of a fairy tale with a happy ending or a picture book for little kids. It looked like many things. It was rusty, old and dusty, but rather welcoming. The whole house was made of dark red bricks. A tiny kitchen, two small wooden chairs, a circular table, a big large couch,a not-so-large mattress, an outdated TV ,a few small lamps and that was quite it. Hedges and vines and honeysuckles and so much more. A green gate with paint falling off was the door to the property. Then came a narrow dirt path with small pebble, a tiny pond with lily pads and a few ducks, maybe a frog or two. A two-metre hedge surrounded the property. Vine grew up the archway and the arched wooden door with brown planks. The grass was green and yellow, scorched by the hot, blazing sun in the summer. Two huge trees, one with red and orange leaves. One of the trees was hollow. A family of squirrels lived there. Occasionally, a woodpecker or an owl would come to visit too. It was plain and simple. They could get used to that.</p><p>Kuroo waltzed in like he owned the place, throwing his bag on the couch before collapsing onto the bed, with his arms spread out.</p><p>"Wanna guess how many channels this thing has?" He asked, knocking on the TV "Hmm, im gonna go with 3"</p><p>"Brave of you to assume it even works" Kenma snickered as Kuroo reached down the wall to turn it on. Much to Kenma's surprise, it flickered on to static</p><p>"Here's the remote"</p><p>Kuroo flicked a few buttons until a random show appeared.</p><p>"Huh.. has a few channels I guess.. You okay with the news?"</p><p>Kenma nodded and silently climbed onto the bed, snuggling up next to Kuroo</p><p>It was quiet as they laid in the bed, the TV volume was a low hum in the background, so they couldn't really make out what the news reporter was saying. Kenma was laying on Kuroo's chest. He was listening to the ba-bump of Kuroo's beating heart. His eyes were dropping slightly as the rhythm was lulling him into sleep. If the day of travelling didn't make him tired, the fingers running through his hair did.</p><p>Kuroo's free hand was intertwined with Kenma's resting on his stomach. The blonde watched the rising and falling of Kuroo's chest.</p><p>"I really like you, Kenma" Kuroo whispered</p><p>"I really like you too"</p><p>"No, I actually mean it"</p><p>"So do I" Kenma nuzzled his face into Kuroo's chest. The mix of his cologne and his natural scent made Kenma feel safe, and slightly dizzy. He never smelled it so strong.</p><p>"I'm glad you asked me to run away with you, Tetsurou."</p><p>"Me too, best decision ever."</p><p>"Yeah" Kenma replied sleepily</p><p>"We should go somewhere tomorrow for breakfast. We haven't eaten properly in over a week"</p><p>"We should" Kenma mumbled before succumbing to sleep.</p><p>"Yeah" Kuroo replied before also drifting off to sleep.</p><p>The low hum of the TV continued in the background.</p><p>"Two teenagers from Nekoma High have been reported missing as of last week. Second year Kenma Kozume and Third year Tetsurou Kuroo are thought to be together, if you see either of them please do not hesitate to contact the authorities."</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>This time, Kenma didn't wake up the Kuroo's sleeping form next to him. The other side of the mattress was cold and empty. Kenma was alone. He  was shaking without realizing, his hand quivering and legs barely able to support his weight as he stood up from the bed. This was bad. What if someone found him? Is he in trouble?</p><p>What if he left me? Kenma thought. Oh my god, he left me?</p><p>Kenma mentally hit himself as he began to pick at his nails. Of course Kuroo would be gone, it was too good to be true, wasn't it? Was Kuroo even real? Kenma hugged his torso, curling up into a ball on the ground. He didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to think about Kuroo leaving him. He didn't want to think about Kuroo with someone else. He didn't want to think about being alone. He didn't want to go back home.</p><p>“No!” Kenma shrieked out loud. “No, no, no no no no NO.” He yelled, voice growing hoarse.</p><p>Kuroo left me, He thought. Kuroo left me just like everyone else. Did i even mean anything to him? Was this all a game? Did he even-</p><p>Kenma let out another screech, forcing his eyes open. Tears traced down his cheeks, leaving salt in their wake as Kenma tried desperately not to close his eyes in fear of visions on the back of his eyelids.</p><p>“He left because of me.” Kenma muttered, resuming rocking as he clawed his arms, half moon scratches and long lines appearing as his nails broke blood. "I drove him away. He left”</p><p>Kenma stopped scratching his arms, moving his hands up to his face. “No, Kuroo isn't going to get caught. Kuroo is good, Kuroo's real, Kuroo's okay. He didn't leave me.” He repeated, resuming rocking and he pried his eyelids open with his fingers, not letting himself blink.</p><p>Kenma wasn’t sure what he was seeing as he continued to rock, the blood on his arm’s dripping onto the ground. His eyes were watering from tears and dryness, and his breaths were short and laboured, racking through his body every time he heaved a breath. He allowed himself to blink, instead moving his hands up to his hair to tug on it harshly as he stared down at the wooden floor.</p><p>He's okay. He's real. He didn't leave me. Kuroo is safe. He's real. He didn't leave me.</p><p> But what if he did... You pushed him away didn't you? </p><p>No. No. No. Stop it. </p><p>Please. </p><p>Kuroo is okay, he's real he didn't leave. He didn't leave me.</p><p>Please</p><p>Make it stop</p><p>Stop it.</p><p>He left you.</p><p>No. No he didn't</p><p>He was never even there</p><p>He was! I remember</p><p>Do you?</p><p>Stop it</p><p>Stop it</p><p>Just make it stop</p><p>Please</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Kenma had finally calmed down, bandaging his scratched arms as he threw on one of Kuroo’s hoodies and a pair of shorts. He pulled a pair of thick wool socks over his clammy feet, trying to steady his hiccupping breaths as he moved off of the floor and onto the mattress to curl up in bed and play on his DS. He didn’t expect to be able to focus, but Kenma desperately needed something to cling onto, to keep his hands busy.</p><p>He had barely begun to play when he heard a knock on the door.</p><p>oh god</p><p>What if it was the police</p><p>No</p><p>What if it was his Dad coming to take him away</p><p>Had he been found already? </p><p>Knock. Knock. Knock</p><p>It was all it took Kenma to sprint to the bathroom, falling onto his hands and knees as he dry heaved over the toilet. I few moments later, bile rose out of his stomach, bubbling up hiss throat and splashing into the bowl, leaving Kenma sweaty and shaking as he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.</p><p>Knock. Knock. Knock. </p><p>Kenma was practically vibrating with anxiety, his body numb with fear as he hoisted himself to his feet, only to fall back to his knees again as another wave of anxiety and fear hit him, sending him retching into the toilet.</p><p>It took every ounce of his strength to pull himself up, washing his mouth out and walking towards the door.</p><p>"Who is it?" He called out, hoping his voice was steady.</p><p>"Hurry up its freezing out here!" A familiar voice called out.</p><p>Kuroo?</p><p>With careful steps, he padded over to the door, slowly pulling it open to face Kuroo.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>He's okay.</p><p>He didn't leave.</p><p>He's real.</p><p>Kenma barely reacted as he opened the door wider to allow him in, avoiding the box pressed close to the door way. Kuroo smiled, flashing a toothy grin that didn't extend to his eyes. He walked past Kenma, moving to place one of the grocery bags he was holding onto the table. Kenma followed in suit, brushing his hair from his eyes.</p><p>"What took you so long? Did I wake you? I would have let myself in but I forgot the key" Kuroo mindlessly called out while unpacking several packets and smaller boxes from the bag.</p><p>Kenma didn't answer.</p><p>"Kenma? What hap-" Kuroo's eyes widened as he saw the state Kenma was in "Are you okay?"</p><p>He still didn't answer, he just stumbled towards Kuroo and hugged him tightly.</p><p>Kuroo hugged him back, while rubbing soothing circles onto his back</p><p>"What happened Kenma?" Kuroo asks, using that one voice he uses for Kenma and for Kenma Only . It makes him feel special. Like this care, like it's only for him.</p><p>"I- i thought you left me" Kenma admitted through broken sobs "I woke up and you were gone... I thought you finally got tired of me and just left"</p><p>And oh how Kuroo's heart broke into two.</p><p>Kenma hesitantly pulled away from the taller boy. The sleeve of his hoodie moved slightly from the action, revealing his small wrist to the boy in front of him. Kuroo's eyes softened at the sight of the bandages and murmured a "no, never" before he reached out and held onto Kenma's hand.</p><p>"I went out to get stuff for breakfast, you looked so peaceful sleeping that I didn't want to wake you.. I was hoping to get back before you woke up but the line was long and I forgot the key" Kuroo explained, his eyes consciously fixated onto the bandages peeking out of Kenma's sleeve.</p><p>"Oh.." Kenma mumbled</p><p>"I would never leave you Kenma." Kuroo reassured</p><p>"Never?" Kenma asked, in a small voice. He felt so small in Kuroo's hoodie and even smaller now that he had panicked over Kuroo going to the store.</p><p>"Never."  A sense of sympathy washed over Kuroo's beating heart as his eyes sightened a few of the marks engraved into Kenma's pale skin. It didn't surprise the male, but the idea of Kenma hurting himself tugged his heart strings.</p><p>Kenma noticed the attention on his arm and hastily pulled his hand away and behind his back. He looked around nervously.</p><p>Kuroo squinted his eyes as the corner of his lips tugged down from Kenma's reaction. He exhaled through his nostrils and continued to unpack the food he had bought.</p><p>He cupped Kenma's face with his palms, brushing his thumbs over Kenma's cheeks and wiping away the tear stains. His hands were slightly bumpy and calloused from the years of playing volleyball, but Kenma didn't seem to mind.</p><p>"Are you hungry?" He asks, watching as Kenma flutters his eyes again. There was a pause before he nodded, humming out an answer quietly,</p><p> "Yeah."</p><p>"Lets eat some breakfast, it will make you feel better" Kuroo says reassuringly, pulling out the two wooden chairs from the table.</p><p>"Thank you, Tetsurou" </p><p>"Mhmm" Kuroo hummed in acknowledgement.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi guys! Sorry for not updating for a few days, I've been busy with tests at school but il try update this weekend :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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